If Only

A Path To Our Own Forgiveness

"Why didn't you ever ask for help then?" I asked.

Ben took a minute, "You got me there".

I started to cry, "I really just wanna... fuck sakes".

"Mac it's okay".

I rushed out of the room.

Jess

The elevator door opened, and I stepped out. I already knew where Ben's room is. Nobody really questioned the people who regularly went in anymore.

I knocked.

"Come in" Ben spoke.

I walked in, "Hey".

Ben didn't smile, "Hi".

"What's wrong?".

"Mac stormed out a couple minutes ago. She was really upset. She told me she couldn't get a hole of her medication, and now she's in a really dark place. I couldn't imagine Mac being here is helping much".

"I'm sure Mac went back to the house. I'll make sure she's okay, alright?".

Ben nodded.

"I wanted to talk to you about something" I sat down.

Ben took a second, "Fuck me-".

"I just need your opinion. You being my brother and all".

"Hit me".

I sighed.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

I shrugged, "Fuck if I know. I just don't know what to do".

"What happened?".

"Kyle is moving to Texas for school... and he wants me to go with him".

"Okay, and?".

I took a second, "I just don't know if I should go with him or not".

"Why not?" Ben smirked.

"Because I have the kids. Ava and Juli are too young to be on their own, and I don't know if I can leave you boys. Especially so far away from here".

Ben nodded.

"He said I can take the kids with us, but I can't take them away from you guys. We've never been apart before. Through dad, through mom. Never have we been apart".

"That's not fair".

"I get it," I sighed, "I get that it's-".

"It's not fair of you to think like that. You're what... 25 now?".

I nodded.

Ben laughed a little, "25 and you're still living at home? With dreams?".

I wiped a tear away from my eyes.