If Only

A Path To Our Own Forgiveness

"Sorry" I looked at my hands.

"Did something happen?" He asked.

I took a second, "No, no I just... I don't know".

"What?".

"I haven't had access to my..." I almost started to cry.

"Your anti depressants?" Ben looked concerned.

"That's not it," I smiled, "I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I'm just tired".

"It's boring here. I get it" Ben smirked.

I looked at my bruised hands.

I screamed and slammed my fists against the floor. Over, and over again.

I zoned out again.

"Mac".

I put my hands back against my legs, "Yeah".

"Seriously. What in the fuck is wrong with you?".

"Nothing!" I yelled.

Ben took a second, "Sure, nothing".

I began to feel really empty. I curled myself into a ball and stared out the window again.

"You want a hug?".

I didn't answer.

"Am I doing something wrong? I don't really know how... how to...".

"How to deal with autistic people? You think this is my autism?" I glared.

"Mac Jesus," Ben took a deep breath, "I don't know how to help you. I get that autistic people work differently because I learnt about an artist in class that had autism".

I sighed.

"Why don't you go get some sleep? At home".

I said nothing back.

"Please tell me what's going on".

I took a second, "My mom has all of my medical records. I don't have access to them, shes punishing me".

"Which means you can't get your meds?".

"I can't get my meds. I am in a really shitty place right now".

Ben thought about something for a moment, "Shit man, why didn't you say anything?".

"Because," I wiped a tear from my eye, "Everyone has shit going on. You guys barely know me and-".

"What I do know is that you're my sister, and we look out for each other in this family. No matter what the fuck is going on in our lives. Why are you here with me more than Ty? Huh?".

I smiled faintly.

"You care, you look out for family. Even if you don't have that much time to do it. Whether it's five minutes or five days, 5 dollars or 500 dollars. We have each other's backs. You let me know if something is wrong, you let Tyler know, and we will be there for you".