If Only

A Path To Our Own Forgiveness

"My boyfriend wants to take me to Texas. Move there. He said I can take the little ones, but I don't know what to do".

Aaron sat down.

"Ty has you, Ben has Ty and he's old enough to be without me now. I just don't know if I can take the littles with me. I don't know if I can go".

"Why don't you leave them with us?" Aaron looked at me.

I got confused, "Huh?".

"I'm sure Ty would love to stay here with the kids".

"I can't do that to you guys. That's too much" I smiled.

Aaron smirked.

"What's on your mind?" I asked.

Aaron looked around then back at me, "I'm proposing".

I took a second, "What?".

"To Ty. I'm proposing tonight at the park".

"Holy shit," I tried to absorb what he said, "Really?".

He nodded.

I took a deep breath, "Fuck, the boys are really growing up fast".

Aaron said nothing.

"I just wish dad was here to help them, see them grow. All they can do is go to his grave. They don't even know where he's buried. I overheard mom say it one night while drunk, said were ungrateful and we'll never get to know. We don't care enough".

"I asked Ben if I could marry Ty".

I smiled, "That must've meant a lot to him. I mean it".

"He looked happy".

Ty came downstairs, "The fuck did you do?".

"Insulted her," Aaron got up, "Called her horrible names".

I laughed a little.

Ty glared.

"Come on, let's go" Aaron grabbed his hand.

I saw Ty watch me as they left. I realized they had grown up so much. Me? I hadn't really grown up at all. I hadn't gotten married, I didn't have kids, I didn't have a good job, or anything adult like. I wish I could grow up.

Mac

I sat in the hospital room with Ben. He was trying to draw, and I was zoning out staring at the world. Ben had a pretty nice view.

"Hey".

I looked at Ben, "Huh?".

"You okay? I've been trying to get your attention for a minute".

"Yeah" I looked back out the window.

Ben sighed, "You don't seem okay. I'm sorry if I traumatized you-".

"I was traumatized long before I came here".

Ben didn't answer.