If Only

A Path To Our Own Forgiveness

"Sleeping," I took a deep breath, "How're you feeling?".

"Better every day. My meds are working, and I'm grateful to be alive. I really want a fucking drink though0.

I laughed a little.

"Getting sober though. I have a feeling if I drink again I'm gonna go on a downwards spiral again," Ben took a second, "I have this random feeling to stay alive".

"And the drawing?" I asked.

"Fuck man. I can't do it".

"Can I see?".

Ben nodded and passes the book over. I looked at the drawings, and they progressively got better. His book was almost full.

"I'm frustrated".

I smirked, "They still look amazing".

"Fuck off" Ben laughed a little.

"Seriously-".

"Even if they are any good, I screwed up my chance big time. I have to work really hard if I wanna make it. I had a chance".

I sighed.

"What? Not thinking about leaving again, are you? You're gonna-".

"No".

Ben looked at me funny, "Then what?".

"I'm proposing today".

Ben took a second, then started laughing.

I pulled out the box and handed it to him. Ben stopped laughing. He opened it and a shocked look took over his face.

"I spent every last Penny I had on it"

"You're fucking kidding right?" He handed it back to me.

"We're going out to the lit up park tonight, I'm serious about this. I need to show him I'm committed".

"Damn right you-".

"I also need to show you" I put it away.

Ben didn't answer.

"Your dad passed away a long time ago".

"Over ten years now. What? Like 12 or 13 years ago, why?".

I took a second, "I wanted to ask you if I can marry him".

Ben thought about it for a moment, "You're asking me because our dad is dead?".

"You're important to him, and I think it would be only fair".

He waited a moment, then smiled. I said absolutely nothing. Ben was having a hard time not crying.

"I uh," Ben took another second, "Yeah. I'm honoured you even asked me that. You make him really happy, and he needs you. Just as much as I need him and he needs me".

I smiled.

"You marry that mother fucker and make him the happiest he ever been" Ben let tears fall.