My Way Home Is Through You (Frerard)

Chapter 8

Collapsing backwards onto the bed, I just lay there, wishing my paranoid head would fuck right off and just let me be happy. However of course, it was being it's usual self and stopping me from having any form of calm or control, or even a moment that I wasn't thinking about the future. Hey brain, maybe I wanted to live in the moment, hey, is that really that much of an issue. What did I do, that means my head automatically steals my right to do anything individual or anything without worrying about the out come or what it might do to effect my future.

Why the fuck could I not just lead a normal, easy, happy life with my goddamn family? That's right because life is so much better with my fucking head messing with me, making me paranoid and ruining any hope I had. I could try to be positive and it might work, Gerard often managed to sort my pessimistic ways out, but what about when he wasn't here, this just proved his very point I couldn't live without him. Nobody can lead a proper life living off somebody else, everyone has to be individual and apparently I was not, if I couldn't make it without Gerard then quite frankly that's terrible. Get my act together, I really needed to do that, get my fucking act together. One day Gerard wouldn't be here, whether that was forever, for a few weeks or months or just a few days, that didn't matter, I needed to be able to make it without him, how could I look after Kyle when I couldn't look after myself without Gerard.

Fuck that, be more positive, I just got my husband back, I was having a baby, I was happy. Of course I was fucking happy, what wasn't there to be fucking happy about, my life is back to happy again. Tomorrow I wanted to wake up and be fucking happy, I was going to. Saturday, family day, Kyle and Gerard, time to be spontaneous, to live in the moment not in the future. I told myself it would be a good day, because I would make it a good day, we would do whatever the hell we wanted, when we wanted to do it and be, spontaneous. Yes, yes we would.

"You alright Frankie?" Gerard asked taking his glasses off and closing his book.

"Mm, yeah." I running a hand through my hair before getting comfortable in the bed.

"You look a bit...stressed." He bit his lips cautiously, putting his book next to the bed and wrapping his long arms around my waist, holding me close. Nuzzling my head into his neck, I mumbled again closing my eyes dreamily.

"I d'know what's going on really." I sighed resting the top of my head into his collar bone, looking down at my fingers by his chest, which were playing with the loose thread on his tee.

"A bit depressed?" He asked, did I make it that obvious? I thought I did a fairly good job of hiding it, apparently I was wrong.

"A bit?" I scoffed, dropping the string and looking back up at him, "I don't make it that obvious do-"

"Yes, well no, but maybe I just see it because I know you so well." He shrugged, I sighed and nodded looking away again, the worst thing about my paranoid brain was it did things like telling me I would end up be taken away from my family, or that I was mentally unstable and maybe I was, but I was fine at home, I was good.

"Do you think I'm alright? L-like in the head you think I'm good to be at home?" I asked fearfully, my worst fear at this point was the simple possibility that he was brutally honest and said, no I think you should go somewhere, it would break me.

"Darlin' you'll be okay." He smiled kissing me ever so softly, it was gentle, tender and done with emotion, like he had a million reasons to want to show his affection. Smiling just as softly, I break away turning of the lamp and resting my head and left hand on his chest, my right hand sitting between us. He kept his arms loosely around my waist, as if holding onto me for all eternity, so he never lost me, so I never went anywhere. I wasn't planning to.