Countless thoughts were running through Dazai's head; thoughts of despair, deep sadness, and regret. Today was undoubtedly the worst day of the year for Dazai; the anniversary of Oda Sakunosuke's death. Dazai decided it would be best to take the day off work today, he didn't want to be seen by anyone, especially if his true feelings were to show...
It was very rare for Dazai to show his true feelings. He always but up a facade.. smiling and goofing around.. however hidden behind that goofy smile was deep sorrow. Today was one of the very few times that his facade tended to break, and this time wasn't an exception.
After a few minutes of laying down and being surrounded by horrendous thoughts, his mask finally shattered. He had started to quietly sob into his pillow, completely broken. After a crying for a while, Dazai had barely managed to speak...
"I miss you, Odasaku... why did it have to be you? I never had anything to live for, and yet... it-it had to be you..."
Dazai continued to sob in bed for what felt like an eternity, but after a while he finally started to calm down. He slowly sat up in bed, wiping his eyes before letting out a small sigh. 'I wonder what's going on at the agency...' he thought. Today most certainly wasn't a good day for him to be there, but even so, he couldn't help but wonder. Kunikida was probably thrilled at his absence, all he seemed to do was bother him anyways.
Just as the thought left his mind he received a knock on the door. He ignored it, and continued sitting on his bed silently.
"Dazai, I know you're in there... I'm not leaving until you open the door." Dazai groaned in annoyance, recognizing the voice to be Kunikida. He opened the door, greeting Kunikida as if everything was completely normal.
"Kunikida! What are you doing here on this fine day? I was about to go and try out some new suicide methods, would you care to join me?" The bandaged man asked with a goofy grin on his face.
Of course not, I'm here for a much more serious matter. Kunikida replied
Upon taking a closer look at Kunikida, Dazai immediately knew why he was here, as he was carrying a bunch of flowers. 'How did he find out?' Dazai thought before acting like his usual chaotic self.
"Oh Kunikida! Could it be, you're finally confessing your love to me?"
"IN YOUR DREAMS DUMBASS!!"
"Oh well, that's a shame, I'll just take these! Anyway, you can spend your precious time back at work! Kay?"
Dazai said as he took the bunch of flowers, attempting to get Kunikida to leave.
"Dazai.. I'm worried about you... you're acting even more crazy than usual... can I just come in so we can talk?" Kunikida said in a worried tone.
Dazai sighed, clearly annoyed from the situation. "I don't have a choice, do I?"
Upon entering Dazai's home, Kunikida was quite shocked at how messy it was. Normally Dazai kept his place relatively clean, but this time it was different. The bed was a mess, clothes were all over the place, and there were a lot of pillows and blankets scattered throughout the place too. Dazai gently placed the bunch of flowers onto his desk, before sitting down on his bed once again.
Kunikida awkwardly sat down next to him, sitting in silence for a minute. "Listen, Dazai... I know today is the anniversary of one of your friends from the port mafias death... I wanted to come by and make sure you were ok... and give you a shoulder to lean on... if you need it.."
The two sat in silence for another minute before Dazai moved closer to the other man, resting his head on his shoulder. "Odasaku was a great man... you know, even tho he was in the port mafia, he would never kill anyone. He even took care of some kids at a small orphanage, they all loved him. He had great interest in reading, and one day, he wanted to be an author.
But... he never got to become one.. Odasaku, he had so much to live for and yet... it had to be him.. I've never done any good to the world, I promised him I would become a better man, but I don't feel like I have... so why... why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have just been me instead..?"
Dazai was sobbing uncontrollably, something he had wished to avoid, especially with another person around. He had always kept his feelings inside, suffering alone, but now someone was with him to share the pain. Kunikida gently wrapped his arms around Dazai, holding him close.
Dazai continued to weep in Kunikida's arms for a while, letting out the pain he had been feeling for god knows how long. After about 20 minutes had passed, he finally started to calm down a little bit. Kunikida gently rubbed Dazai's back as a means to comfort him, before finally speaking up.
"I'm so sorry you've been suffering from all of this, Dazai. I can't imagine the hell that you must've been going through. But... you're wrong.. you have become a better man , and you keep becoming a better person each and every day. Oda had a lot to live for, sure.. but.. you do too. And I know you're going to find that reason some day, so don't say that it should've been you... I'm sure Oda is glad it wasn't. And, I'm sure he's proud of you."
Dazai was quiet for a minute before finally speaking up. "T-thank you, Kunikida.. for everything. Thanks to you, I feel a little bit better now. I miss Odasaku greatly.. but.. I'll try to continue making him proud of me.. and I guess I'll try to live a little longer too."
"I know you will. Kunikida said as he gently cupped his hands around Dazai's face. "I love you.."
