HIM.

I fell in love with you in august

But I blamed myself, because why do I even bother liking someone when I have so much going on?

Do I even like you?

Am I gonna hurt someone again?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was scared of everything. I was scared of being with you. Because I didn't understand myself, I didn't know if it was me wanting someone's attention again. I didn't know if I was even capable of liking someone.

I was confused. So confused.

That was the day when I decided to stop myself from wanting you.

Maybe it was your laugh, or your eyes, or your smile. It could've been your hair, or your voice, or your personality.

Whatever it was, it made me fall pretty damn hard and I couldn't let go because of how lovely you are.

And every day I found new things about you that made you even lovelier than I thought you were already.

It didn't matter what it was. It would be something small or stupid or typical about you, but when you do it all I think is "I like you".

But do I really?

I still questioned everything. That I'm the unhappiest person you probably know of. So why me out of the many better people you can have?

Someone who isn't mentally fucked up and someone who has the confidence to show what they look like.

So I don't know why you like me.

Because I've always felt like I never deserved any form of care from anyone. Especially from those who I love the most. I don't deserve anything good.

So I don't know why you like me.

Because why like someone who doesn't feel like they don't deserve anything? It'll get draining trying to convince them how much of a good person you feel they are.

But I'm a hypocrite because I believe everyone deserves some sort of love and care in their life.

So I don't know why you like me.

Yet here you are, telling me that I'm the best you've had. That you never felt such strong feelings towards someone before. That you've never cared for someone as much as you do for me.

I found comfort in that statement of yours, but still felt a sense of guilt inside me, coiling in and out.

Guilt knowing that I can't be okay enough, guilt knowing how much of my ugly you'll see of me. Guilt that I still can't bring myself to show you how I truly look like.

And I'm afraid of disappointment, especially if it's from you.

So I don't know why you like me.

I apologized frequently to myself about you having feelings for me because of how hideous I feel, and even that I feel guilty of saying.

Because I know how much I hurt you, how me hurting myself does so much to you.

And truth is, I still lie.

I still lie to you. I still lie about my happiness. I still hesitate.

And I've noticed that when I start believing you don't care enough about me, that's when the lies start spewing out.

And for every cut that reopens, my ugly spills out a bit more.

No matter how much you ask if I'm alright, I'd always respond with "I'm okay" and you wouldn't realize if I was still in pain or not.