good things fall apart • sirius black

Fragile things get broken

And Sirius' tears fell then. Like rivers or waterfalls, as if someone had just turned on a tap. He sobbed and Ellie wanted to hold him; comfort him as he cried and wipe his tears away. But she didn't dare move. She had to stand there two feet away as he crumbled, and Ellie wanted to sob too. Sob for their broken relationship, for his broken soul, for everything that had broken at their hands. She'd not been careful enough with the fragile boy, the entire world hadn't ever been careful enough with him and it made her so mad. There wasn't any space left in her to be angry with him anymore, for she was angry for him instead.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. For it all, for hurting you, for treating you like shit. I care about you, Cubby, you're everything. And I'm sorry... Sorry, sorry, sorry." Sirius repeated the word like he needed to tattoo it onto her skin, "I just don't want to feel so hollow anymore and sometimes shouting is better than- is better than nothing at all."

"I want to help you feel better but I don't know what to say, Sirius. Normally, I'd hug you, but I don't-"

"You can hug me, that's okay from you." He interrupted carefully, forcing himself to take deep breaths, "Just don't... Just be careful with me please."

Ellie opened out her arms and let him come to her, making every one of her moves slow so that he knew what she was doing. His words sparked a panic within her that she didn't know how to address, for if this had been anyone else, Peter, Moony, maybe even James, his reluctance to let people near wouldn't have seemed so suspicious. But this was Sirius - the handsome boy who didn't know what personal space was, who was always desperate for her to sleep squished next to him in his bed and had asked to kiss her before. Ellie understood that people changed and that his wants and needs might have shifted priority, but there was something off about the situation, she could sense it.

Half of her was saying that it was just hesitancy over their unstable relationship, but the other half of her had alarm bells ringing.

"I'm sorry too, Sirius." She admitted once he had his arms wrapped around her, being careful as to hug him back gently, "I'm sorry that we let ourselves fuck everything up, that we've been so distant for so long that I had no idea you were struggling... I'm sorry for abandoning you, for never taking the time to listen. I won't abandon you again, ever."

"It's not you fault." He sobbed into her shoulder, "I'll be better, better for you, I promise. I'll fix this. We'll be okay. I'll not shout and get angry with you, be controlling, or- or violent... I'm not violent, Cubby, I promise. I wouldn't ever- I won't- I'm so sorry."

Ellie's alarm bells were ringing again and her concern was growing by the second. She didn't know what he meant by 'violent', Sirius had never hit her, threatened to hit her, or even looked like he wanted to. Yes, they both spat harsh words back and forth, but he'd never raised a fist to her, and Ellie was absolutely sure he never would. So why did he think that she'd expect him too? Why did he think that she believed he was violent that way?

"Padfoot?" She coaxed him gently from the crook of her neck, watching him sigh at the use of his nickname, "Padfoot, look at me." Sirius shook his head as he backed away again, his eyes remaining closed, "Please, puppy."

There it was. A terrified panic in those stormy grey eyes of his that she didn't recognise.

"Is there something going on?" Ellie pinned her arms to her sides as they itched to reach out to him again, "With you? With someone else? Flora maybe?"

The way he flinched at the fifth year's name made her stomach churn.

"No." Sirius spat the word out like it was poison on his tongue.

Ellie ignored his blatant lie.

"Does Prongs know?"

She hoped that whatever it was that he couldn't tell her hadn't been festering for a while, that he'd at least spoken to his brother through all of this. Because that could easily be answer to why he'd been so hostile recently, explain how distant he'd been, even maybe the smoking. But that wasn't really what she was worried about in that moment. All Ellie wanted to know was that he was safe, and red lights were flashing in her mind telling her that he wasn't.