Have you ever felt as if your life is solely worth living because of one human being? I have.
I was in a dark place for a long, long time.
I had no one, really. My town was rather quiet, I had a couple of friends that I spoke to on and off, but I spent most of my life alone. I didn't feel good enough.
Phil changed that.
When I first discovered him on youtube, I knew. I knew that he was perfect for me. Phil was my soul-mate. Maybe it sounds stupid. You watch someone's youtube videos, and you think you know them. Some people act different in front of the camera. There was something about Phil though, I knew he was sincere.
After a while, I had the courage to reply to tweets, comment on his videos, sometimes he would reply back. Eventually, he would reply to everything I said, we began private mailing, we exchanged numbers. He followed me on twitter.
We had five hour long Skype calls, we chatted online almost constantly. The Internet was a powerful thing. We built up a friendship, maybe more. Even though we were so far away from each other, we felt like we'd known each other for years.
After perhaps a year we decided it'd been long enough, it'd gotten to the point of us leaving our laptops on, in our beds while we slept, just so we wouldn't have to hang up. So we arranged a 'date'.
I can remember that train ride. We'd decided to meet up halfway, so that neither of us were travelling too far. Everything went so slow. The past year, just by talking to Phil through a camera, I'd came out of my shell. I'd became more confident, and although I was still quiet and I spent most of my time in my room, I, myself felt slightly changed.
Seeing him on the platform, waiting, I couldn't believe it was all real, a friend. Perhaps a best friend. And I ran. I ran up to him and I crashed into him, my arms wrapped tightly around him. I cried tears of joy and I thanked him, for all that he had done. Phil was so confused.. He then took me for coffee and I told him everything. I'd only just physically met him but already I could sense he was trustworthy.
Going home on that train, very late at night, that full day we had spent wasn't enough. That day with Phil I had felt more human than I had for a long time. He was happy, and his happiness.. Radiated. All of that day when he had been smiling, I'd smiled too. It was contagious.
For the whole of the next year we were spending weekends together, and as much time as we could. I think the week I then spent at his was when I realised, I was in love with him.
I'd loved people before, obviously. Family love, which comes naturally. I'd been in unhappy love. I'd loved someone happily. This was love like you get in books. Cheesy, I know. But Phil filled a hole in my heart, he wasn't just a friend, over the past while, he had become, sort of like my glue. He held my broken pieces together.
Time flies by. Soon enough, we'd been together for a year, and we were living together. I felt mended. Phil had came along when I was in a state of despair. I felt helpless. He came along, and picked me up, and put me on my feet. My recovery had been hard. It's sort of like learning to walk, you learn bit by bit.
Now, I'm whole again. I've learned to look at life the way Phil does. Phil doesn't look at look at the glass half empty. He doesn't look at the glass half full either. He looks at the glass. Life is the glass. He then looks at what you put in the glass. The contents of the class are a mixture of good and bad things. Phil's glass is full to the brim. But he doesn't mind. He accepts it.
Now, when I look at myself now, compared to back in 2008 before I met phil. I'm changed. Completely. I think of who is responsible for that. I think of only that single person as I glance at the small velvet box one last time. I'm then turning around, seeing that very person right before my eyes, and my god is he perfect. I'm getting down on one knee and I'm opening my mouth to say what I'd rehearsed, but instead my heart comes tumbling out instead.
"Philip Michael Lester. Not even every green metallic envelope in the world could be a sufficient gift to you, in exchange for what you've given me. You have not only given me yourself, but you've also given me myself. I was a lost and lonely boy before you came along. I was in a dark place. My life was sort of like a blank canvas. But then you came along, and you painted it, and damn, you painted it good. So, what I'm asking you, is will you marry me? We can make a gallery of canvases. Maybe they're blank now, but I think forever is a good amount of time for a couple of Mona Lisa's."
I can remember the tears in Phil's eyes. Happy tears, his "YES!" As a reply. His kisses afterwards. I was happy.
Me and Phil. Phil and I. Dan and Phil. Our lives are like a candle. The wax is our days, which is numbered, nothing lasts forever, but we've still got a reasonable amount of time. We're the flame. Sometimes. We flicker in the wind. But we won't be put out.
