Midnight Sunset 🧡

Prologue to A Million Reasons, Lies, and Excuses

~

You traced your fingers over my ribs,
counting them one by one. The scale showed
103 that day. 14 pounds in 2 weeks. Fear was
woven into the creases around your eyes.
Desperation treading along with each word
you spoke - even though you fought
tirelessly to hide it. I felt lonely in the
mornings, scared, desperate. So, I followed
you around - to school, back home, on
errands. You never complained. My fear of
being alone, the fear of my own thoughts,
the lack of control I had over my mind
unnerved me, and the fear I had of myself,
unnerved you. So, you kept me close. Though
it was never said, the question lingered,
if I didn't get better this time, would
this be the end?

What once was a civil war within my mind,
had now become a world War you had become
forced to fight in. Somewhere along the
way, over the years, without noticing, your
battle armor had become a part of your
daily wear. Always prepared, ready for the
next war to erupt. But this one was
different. It debilitated me, crippled me,
made me weak. Unable to care for myself,
you brushed my hair, held the toothbrush to
my mouth, and on some nights, my worst
nights, you fed me.

My body became to fight back, covering me in
eczema, acne, and paleness, causing me to hate
myself even more. Our nights began to
harmonize. The silence filled with begging
and crying. I gave up, I fell to my knees,
begging God, please take me, I can't keep
living this way. You held my face in your
hands searching for remnants of who I used
to be. Wondering if there was anything left
to fight for, or if I was truly gone this
time. Pick up the pen, you said. I can't,
I'm afraid to see what's in there, I cried.
you smiled, that's the only way out.