NOSTALGIA (La Mémoire #1)

Wakas

In my ears, the melodies of yellow played. Yellow, my favorite song. Yellow, the color of sunset, the color of sunflowers, the color of both happiness and sadness--of nostalgia. 

Sinulyapan ko ang relo at luminga sa paligid. Nagpantig sa pandinig ko ang mga hakbang. Umahon ang kabog ng aking dibdib nang sa wakas ay matanaw siya.

Pinanonood ko ang paglapit niya sa akin na parang isang eksena sa pelikula. Mapait ang ngisi ko. Hindi ito pelikula. Sa totoong buhay, palaging mas masakit ang lahat.

Huminto siya nang isang hakbang na lamang ang pagitan sa akin. His amber eyes resembled one lonely summer. Pinagmasdan ko lamang ang kabuuan ng kaniyang mukha, kinabisa ang bawat detalye noon. There was indifference in his eyes, longing and desperation in mine.

Klaro na sa akin ang lahat. Ipininta niya sa totoong buhay ang mga obra at ikinulong ang oras sa mga larawan. Ganoon niya ako minahal.

Umuulit sa akin ang bawat araw na magkasama kami. Mula sa unang balik ko rito sa Claveria at sa mga sumunod pa. Araw-araw wala siyang ginawa kundi ipaalala sa akin ang lahat.

He repeated some of our precious memories so I could live them again. He gave me photos of moments he froze in time so I could remember them again.

"Ano'ng gusto mong sabihin at nakipagkita ka?" Basag ni Stav sa katahimikan.

Nakakatawa. Kay lapit niya ngunit sa tono niya, tila ilang milya ang layo namin. The coldness in his tone buried knives in to my chest.

I was tongue tied. His jaw stiffened at my silence. Anger flickered in his eyes as he bit his lips in frustration. Sinubukan kong hawakan siya ngunit mabilis na iniwas niya ang sarili.

"I went all the way here from Manila because they said you're here."

Nanginginig ang boses ko. Gusto ko na lang siya yakapin at mabuhay na parang kahapon lang ang lahat, na kunwari walang insidenteng naganap, walang pagtataksil, hindi ko siya kailanman nalimutan at hindi ko siya nasaktan.

"I'm sorry..." Iyon lamang ang aking nabanggit. Huminto ako't inipon ang lakas ng loob.

"I remember everything now." I said in a small voice.

"I know." He whispered.

Magkahalong lungkot at tuwa ang na sa mga mata niya. Ngunit umangat pa rin ang gilid ng kaniyang labi. He seemed so proud that I have been well.

"I'm sorry, Stav..for all the harsh words I said, for not believing you."

Napalunok ito bago marahang tumango.

I swear my heart was breaking as I looked him. How in the world could a love so ardent happen in the wrong time? I want to hold him, be happy with him again, grab a coffee with him, have him take my photos in the middle of these sunflowers, go home to him, hold his hand, tell stories in summer eves and paint dreams with him, let him review his human anatomy in a scientific view while I review human anatomy in an artist's view. But all of that seem so hard now.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." Sambit ko sa maliit na tinig.

"I-I'm going back to Manila and.." I swallowed hard.

"I might go back to America, Stav. I just wanted you to know."

Hindi ito umimik.

"I just..I don't want to be here. Call me a coward and all for running away again but--"

I don't really have any excuses. Maybe I'm just being selfish for refusing to face my problems and fix them.

"You run away when you no longer feel safe, Clem."

I nodded. Tears were brimming my eyes.

I wanted to run away with him before because he was my safety. He still makes me feel that way. But I've caused him so much damage. I'd rather heal alone for a while.

For seconds, we were in a matching stare. I didn't know what was going on his mind. Perhaps, he was waiting for me to ask him to come with me. To run away together--like I did before. Seconds died and no words were uttered from mine. Nagbawi siya ng tingin.

"Mag-iingat ka."

He inhaled sharply. Pinanatili niya sa sahig ang mga mata. Tila kinakalma ang sarili.

Nang muling tumingala ay isang ngiti ang pinakawalan niya. Ngiting sing tingkad ng dilaw na mga bulaklak na nakapalibot sa amin. Ngunit ang mga mata niya'y may bahid ng lungkot ng papalubog na araw.

Pinagmasdan ko siyang muli, nakikiusap gamit ang mga tingin. Hinahanap sa mga mata niya ang pagmamahal na tila naglaho na. Baka puwede pa. Baka may kapatawaran pa't may puwang pa sa kaniyang puso para sa akin. 

Pinagmasdan ko ang pagkurba ng kaniyang labi, hinihintay ang mga katagang pipigil sa akin. Isang sabi niya lang, handa akong manatili.

Hindi ko nasabing mahal na mahal ko siya at gusto kong humingi pa ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Kailangan ko lang lumayo muna. Ngunit hindi niya ako sinabihang manatili o maghihintay siya.

Maybe this is where we find our rest. Maybe just like our promise rings, this story will continue in God's time. God-willingly, a love that's tragic today will find its happiness someday.

"Alalahanin mo ako." Inabot niya ang aking kamay. Libo-libong mga salita ang inihatid sa akin ng kaniyang tingin ngunit hanggang tingin na lamang ang mga iyon. Wala ni isa ang isinatinig niya.

Hindi rin nagtagal ay binitawan niya ako. Napalunok ako. Sa pagbitaw niya ay siya ring pagsuko ko. This is him letting go. I can't do anything about that anymore.

"I will. I'll remember you."

Tinignan ko siya ng isa pang beses. Have you ever looked at someone or something and felt equally happy and sad? Deep in your heart, you knew this particular thing always had its place there. That's how I have always felt for him regardless I remembered him or not.

Maybe a sunset. A childhood photo. An abandoned playground. An old shirt. A faded photograph. A tranquil scenery. We see things and see people and feel a sentimental longing for something similar to it.

I see Stav and always feel a wistful affection for something that had existed before--and how I wish I could just be there again. Nostalgia is in his brown eyes, in our summer escapades, in our past photographs, and in the young love we once shared.

The greatest love stories of all times are within those that live to remember. It's that tiny tiny hollow in your heart that's always reserved for someone.

Nostalgia reminds us that we long for things that were once there only because we loved them truly and they made us truly happy. A feeling that is so nostalgic is not something we regret, but we remember.

Mabilis ang mga hakbang ko. Iniwan ko ang lawak ng mga dilaw na bulaklak, ang papalubog na araw sa kalangitan at ang bahagi ng puso ko.

Tumalikod ako't tinunton ang daan palayo sa kaniya. Walang pangako ng paalam ngunit may pangako ng pag-alala.