To do list:
Wake up
Go to school
Act like everything is ok
Sleep
Repeat
My schedule went wrong at step two.
My schedules have never gone wrong.
The stark whitewashed walls of the principal's office in Oceanside Charter Elementary P.S seemed to lean in around me, surrounding me with the scent of lemon air freshener that tried, and failed to cover up the smell of sweat and grime.
A voice from the other end of the phone speaks. It is a voice that conveys false pity and oozes sorrow.
"Are you the daughter of Isabel Clayton?"
There is no need for me to reply. The principal had already told them I was her daughter.
"Your mom has passed away. I'm sorry."
I knew this would happen.
I didn't cry.
I didn't scream.
No sound escaped my lips.
I stood there, while meaningless noise and activity happened around me.
None of it mattered. It was bound to happen, but somehow it still came as a shock.
The color started to fade from the world, everything becoming faded and tinged with grey.
To do list:
Wake up
Go to school
Act like everything is ok
Go to supermarket
Sleep
Repeat
The kids at school shove me, pushing me into the wall. Tugging at my hair, stuffing their fingers into my pockets to find money, or something valuable.
They never do.
They start taunting me. "Half breed!" "Red savage." "Buck." "Mosshead." And a few more words that I ignore.
Each word cuts into me like paper cuts, shallow but stinging for a few seconds before healing itself.
I do not care.
I never have.
The final bell rings, slicing through my hazy thoughts.
I hop on the metro home. It sways gently.
Beside me, a couple holds hands and makes gooey, lovesick faces at each other.
Across from me, a mother holds her baby tightly, cooing at it and smiling, just like my mother used to do with me.
Without realizing it, I slip into a memory I didn't even know I had.
I am five.
My long braids, that I still have, swing as I teeter on my tiny feet.
My caramel colored skin glowing, and my bright blue eyes wide and innocent.
My parents are smiling as I play with the new toy they bought me. A fake vacuum cleaner.
"Mommy, Daddy look!" I make sucking sounds with my mouth as I move the vacuum across the floor.
Like how my mom would do it.
