No Love

Michelle

12 of hours into labor and im still not fully dilated in the back of my head im like he's gone Michelle but there's still this hope that he's gonna come out breathing healthy and alive. I look around the room everybody looks sad and on the verge of tears but I can't cry anymore it's like I cried all my tears out

"August?" My voice comes out not hoarsely then i intended he jumps outta the chair and instantly grabs my hand

"Wassup you in anymore pain want me to get the nurse?" I shake my head but motion for him to come closer. I was in a lot of pain but the epidural came right on time and I'm good now

"Wassup mama?" He whispers to me

"Do you hate me?" I whisper back he immediately pulls his head back and looks at me I close my eyes not wanting to see the look he's giving me

"Michelle i luh you and it ain't yo fault ya heard me dis is just gods will and we gotta buleeh dat wasn't nothin dat you did wrong aight" he says to me then kiss my forehead

"You think it's right we have the kids in here especially Arian and kenzie.. you think Arian understands her brothers dead and I don't want to scare kenzie with her being pregnant and all"

"They will be good just worry bout you don't put all dis stress on yo self" he says while kissing me lips away we hear a light knock on the door the nurse walks in nods and gives me a light smile wtf is there to smile about? She washes her hands slides on her gloves and then once again checks me

"Your 10cm are you ready to push mommy?" She claps her hands excitedly just as I was about to ask this bitch what would I be excited for aug answered for me and sent her to get my tete

"It's aight she ain't know mama chill" I bite on my bottom lip fighting the tears about a minute later my tete comes walking in her eyes are just as red as mine idk if she's emotionally stable enough to go through this they asked me plenty of times if I wanted another doctor to do this but of course I wanted her now I'm starting to reconsider. she washes her hands put on gloves and then takes her spot

"You ready?" She weakly ask as she positions my gown lifts up my legs on the brackets August takes his place by me and grandme Erica and ari stand by on the other side. kenzie is standing close by with Joshua behind her and Arian is clutching on to August other hand

"I'm scared" I whisper as I stare into the celling Arian kisses my cheek aug kisses my lips and we all pray together led by aug

"Ok remember the breathing exercises we practice do those and when I count to ten push ok" I simply nod my head and begin to breath in and out those ten seconds seem liked the longest time of my life

"Push!" I clenched my teeth while clamping down on aug and aris hand the most horrific sound came out my mouth and I felt the urge to take a shit

"Ok good he's already crowning im going to count to five this time then push" I nod my head aug bent down and kissed me once again

"You doin good" he reassures me

"1 2 3 4 5" i push again and this time instead of my scream I heard the girlist scream in the world and then a loud thud I look over to see Joshua passed out wth!

"Push one more time Michelle one two three" i push with all the power I have i feel myself tear a little and that time I scream even louder. I always thought women over exaggerated this pain but this shit is foreal

"August" I can barely focus my eyes but I can see the nurse hand him scissors to snip the umbilical cord I see the look in augs eyes as they water back up and that's when it hits me like my sons really dead my son will never even get to take his first breath and that's my fault I see the nurse carry him away

"Wait where's he going" I ask tryna lift up from the bed

"No MiMi she will bring him right back we have to clean him but you still have to birth the after birth" ugh I really don't want to I just want my son

15 minutes later

After the nurse cleaned and got the baby dressed she handed him to August but I was still busy birthing the placenta I never knew it would be this much blood and I feel like my vagina is tore from here to there after she sews me back up and the nurse gives me and ice pad it's finally my turn to see my son I didn't know what to feel. I had just gave birth to my dead son that was the worst and best moment of my life. I watch aug kiss his little face which I have yet to see my best friends are crying kenzie of course is crying idk if Arian even can fully grasp it yet she's a smart girl but it's crazy to think at 7 years old it's my first day meeting my brother but he's already gone

Once he handed him to me I instantly started to weep my baby looked so peaceful he was so beautiful and perfect

"8 pounds 5 ounces 21 in" aug whispers kinda to himself

My son had dark brown curly hair, long eyelashes, soft chubby cheeks, the cutest button nose, plump pink lips. he was perfect. He felt perfect as I held him in my arms. he was everything I imagine plus more I had love for him that I had never felt before. I kissed his tiny lips they weren't warm they were cold and that's when it truly hit me this would be the first and the last time I held August Anthony Alsina Jr. my son