If Only

For Aaron

"FUCK!" I threw my empty pack of cigarettes at the wall.

"Ty come sit".

I looked at her.

"Come on," She patted beside her, "Sit".

I started to calm down, then sat beside her.

She handed me a cigarette, "Wanna tell me what happened with that asshole?".

"He's not an asshole".

Celeste shrugged.

"Aaron... he..." I lit the cigarette, "He kissed me at his dads birthday. His dad tried to kill him".

"Shit man".

I sighed, "Aaron told me on Christmas Eve he was leaving Detroit. I think he has PTSD".

Celeste thought for a moment, "I'm sorry to hear dude".

"I've been off my meds for a month. I can't stand the thought of taking them anymore. I don't know why, but I feel more content with not taking them now that Aaron is gone".

"He still thinks of you surely".

I shrugged.

"What would he think of you not taking your meds?" She asked.

I smirked, "He'd call me a fucking idiot and shove the pills down the throat. I love you, but you're a fucking idiot. An idiot and a fag".

Celeste smiled.

"But he's not here, he doesn't care anymore".

"He didn't leave because of you. He left because of his dad".

I sighed.

"Tyler listen to me," Celeste grabbed my shoulders, "Is this what Aaron would've wanted for you?".

I shook my head.

"No. So you think about that boy you love, how much his heart would be hurting to know you're not taking your meds because of this. Take your meds and think of how proud he would be, take them for Aaron if it's not for you. You'll realize it's for you".

I took a second, "I flushed the last of my pills. I'd have to go to my psychiatrist".

"Then let's go," Celeste got up, "I'll take you".

"Dude, I don't know".

"Think about the love of your life" Celeste got on her knees.

When I closed my eyes I saw Aaron proposing. I started to cry.

"Hey, the fuck did I do?" She got up.

I froze, "I-I don't... let's go".

Celeste sighed as I walked out of my room and rushed towards the front door.

"Where are you two going?" Jess asked.

"Out" I left the house.