Marvel Angst One-Shots

Weaker, still...

An update!!!!

I watched every episode of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier last night.
That's why I'm sad.

Steve's PoV:

I pick up my favorite pen and my notebook used for drawing.

I open to the very last page, left blank for all these years.

I can see Tony and Bucky and snow. I smell the pheromones of fear. I hear faint yelling, far back away in my mind.

I know the pain I caused.

Today I wished I could again, a brief flash of anger.

That is why I should not be here.
I have to leave.
I fear that I could harm one of them from sheer anger.
My fear of retribution from them.
Tony and Bucky.

Madly in love, while I still had worsening dreams of Siberia and only two making it out.

The pain I would have caused; Today I wished I had.

That is why I have to leave. I am already the third-wheel burden.
My Bucky is back but... he's not mine anymore.

Tony and I...

Tony forgave me best he could.

And flinched no matter how far away I was in the training room.

Look at yourself, Steve, you've ruined this, the black voice calls from my head.

I gaze upon the beautiful empire Iron Man built.
Here I was.
With a metal frizzbee and ideals that America didn't want to fight for anymore.

Just walk right out the door, it said. Out of their way, peace for you, freedom.

To do what?

Relive the glory days away somewhere.

The plan had been in my mind for months. I needed little pushing.

I just needed to go, let them be.
They would not hardly miss me, right?

So I grabbed the paper and pen and wrote.

My friends,

Words and numbers and more words cannot show how...
Regretful I am.

You guys need space.
I have given it to you.

You guys want to go on dates.
I haven't complained.

I have tried, Tony.
I have tried to not love you, I have tried to not hate you, I have failed in the most important regard.

Today I made it clear to myself that my anger from five years ago in Siberia is still hidden deep down.

When you and James fight... I get nervous and jumpy and sometimes angry.

I'm a hazard. I'm sorry.

So I guess this is good for all of us, the PTSD has had me for so long I should just move on.

I don't want to hurt you accidentally.

Bucky I know that things have been... hard.
I will truely be gone this time.
Don't worry about someone dragging me back in another couple years.
I want to be gone, I want you to be happy, I want a few moments of peace.

Tell the others, when they get back, that I have made my own choices for my heart.

Tell Natasha that I'm gone last.
That will make it easier.