The first and second paragraphs were written at different times today if that makes more sense. Like I said in the title, this is literally a huge arsed chapter, but I needed to get it off my chest. Remember, you're all valid and I appreciate every one of you <3
I know that my parents love me, but they just don't understand me. My brother is the only one who comes a little close. There's many aspects that even he doesn't understand, but I know that everything he does to me that I don't enjoy is for my own good. He's the one person in the world who I genuinely love unconditionally. No matter how much I complain about his overprotectiveness, it makes me feel so much happier that he's there for me. My parents may love me but they're not very good at showing it, my mum in particular. On the very rare occasions that she finds me crying, she ends up laughing at me and cracking jokes, when it really doesn't help. The most recent of these situations being yesterday, my brother was trying to make me feel better, but she just made it worse. No one really knows what's going on in my mind, and no one really understands me because, as much as I hate myself for it, I can't trust anyone enough to just let out exactly what I'm feeling. If you couldn't tell, I'm already crying while typing this and I would never have been able to enunciate this out loud without completely breaking down and stumbling on my words.
I know that I'll never ever be able to come out to my parents and am probably going to end up dating only boys (if I ever do) and end up getting married to one too just to please my parents. I can say this with assurance that my mom won't support me if I do so. She does love me yes, but she will never be able to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with intersexual relationships. My attempt at hinting on it, went horribly. I was 'joking' about how I would maybe get married to a girl, just to spite her. Honestly, it was quite randomly sprung up in the conversation, but she didn't seem too suspicious, probably clouded by the idea of how it's abnormal and it shouldn't happen. No, I'm not taking a wild guess, because she said and I quote "I would have a heart attack if that were to happen,". My brother definitely noticed that something was up and asked me why I mentioned it so suddenly. His eyes were narrowed, as if contemplating the idea of me liking other girls. My heart was hammering in my chest with nerves, because this wasn't how I expected my coming out to be like. I tried to shrug it off as nonchalantly as possible, and with my experience with hiding my emotions and what I was feeling, I managed to sort of pull it off. I could still tell that my brother was mildly suspicious, but I was glad that he decided not to comment on it. My mum did believe me, still going on about the abnormality of same sex relationships and I nervously blurted out that she was homophobic, my brother agreeing with me. She vehemently put off that idea to which I responded with an explanation about what homosexual literally means which 'homo' meaning 'of the same' and how she was literally saying the opposite, which is the exact meaning of homophobia. Then my brother just had to say out loud in front of her 'this is why, when you have to talk about these sorts of things, you don't talk to her. Just come to me,' to which my mom did not respond happily. She did finally leave though after my brother and I told her again that it was a joke. After she left, my brother turned to me and asked me if I was actually serious. I was still nervous, and didn't want to out myself now after all that happened, so I said that I was joking. Then he asked me if I liked any girls before. I couldn't really answer that because I've never really had a proper crush on anyone before. Before I continue with what happened in this conversation, I think I have to say how I actually came out to myself as Pansexual. I admittedly had been in denial for a very long time because of my internalised homophobia, thinking that liking females would make me a freak (I don't believe in this ideology and support everyone for who they are). I at that time still was an avid supporter of the community but I kept reminding myself that I was straight, and that straight people could find women and non-binaries and trans people attractive, without liking them that way but I was only fooling myself. At this one point in time, I finally decided that I liked those of other gender identifications in the same way as I liked males and therefore started out on the search of how I am. I was contemplating on using the 'bisexual' tag for a while, but it just didn't seem right to me. It wasn't that I was only attracted to two particular gender identities. I realised that I honestly didn't actually give a damn about who I liked. It was based purely on the general stages of attraction, based on looks and personality. I realised that if I were to like someone, I didn't consider what they identified as, but I liked them for how they were as people, therefore conveniently breaking me off from the idea of ever 'falling in love on first sight', which is where my demiromantic tag comes from. Anyways, continuing on with the conversation, my brother clearly wasn't too educated on the different types of sexualities and only thought that same gender relationships existed. I tried saying that I didn't care what gender a person is, but I don't really think he got the hint. He told me that it was quite unlikely for me to be queer, because many people consider the possibility, but usually end up being straight. He said that it was the reason that the community was so small (I tried very hard not to say anything against that because I knew it was false). Before you start hating on him, just listen to what happens after. He told me that I'm still too young for this (I disagree) and that if I feel something like that when I'm a bit older, I should come talk to him. I mean — I understand where he was coming from because, like I mentioned before, even I have a tad bit of internal homophobia because of the environment I've grown up in. Unlike me however, he didn't have Wattpad and the social media to educate him properly on it. That's what swayed me really. If I hadn't joined this platform, I could have actually ended up being one of those homophobes, and would definitely not have been as mature as I am now. It really changed me as a person for the better at most. Until today itself I refrained myself from keeping a diary, or any sort of place to record my thoughts and feelings actually because I've reached the point of my trust issues that I can't trust anyone with everything. There are two people who I've opened up to about my insecurities and stuff irl, one of them being my brother but even then I didn't tell them the whole brunt of everything. I know that talking it out helps but it was just too hard for me. I try to bury all my internal confusion and frustration as well as my pain as deep as I can and project only happiness and energeticness. The reason I'm so talkative about absolutely random things is because I don't want people to suspect that I might be going through any sort of discomfort because I don't want to be perceived as weak. I don't like it, but I can't help it. I'm insecure as fuck, and that's just one of the other things my parents don't get about me. They don't understand why I don't want to participate in the bloody school talent show because I'm too scared that people will judge me. They don't understand why I broke down before my first solo stage performance, and still make fun of me about it till this day. I just laugh it off, but it just hurts. Even when my mom makes jokes about how she wished I was younger again because I was so much better then, hurts me a lot. About the recent breakdown thing I was talking about nearing the beginning of this colossal piece, it literally started because I was tired of my family babying me so much. I'm not a fucking baby. My own opinions should be considered in a conversation too, not disregarded. On the very few occasions where I try to play moderator in an argument (mainly between my brother and one of my parents because he's usually the one who does it when it's between the two of them), they just tell me to shut up and leave because I don't know what I'm talking about. I CAN HAVE MY OWN THOUGHTS FOR LORD'S SAKE! JUST BECAUSE I'M THE YOUNGEST, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M AUTOMATICALLY WRONG! Having a moderator in an argument is important, especially in my house because we all tend to be very passionate with our own points. In an argument, most reason is clouded by anger and frustration and the sides tend to get more and more biased as it continues forth. I do realise how long this paragraph actually is, so I think this is all for today.
