Epiphany | Johanna Mason

Chapter Ten

"What the fuck!" The yell was sharp, silencing everyone else. It was familiar, too.

There Johanna was, holding a hand to her head. Odette relaxed; of course she was safe. She was with Johanna. Something hit the floor and shattered. When she looked down, she saw glass, blood dripping from her hand.

"What's wrong with you?" Johanna snapped at her, lifting her hand to check her fingers. They were red. Redder than what had been spilled on Odette. That was blood. She had done that.

"Oh," the world tilted, the air was pushed out of her body. "I'm sorry," she whispered, stepping closer. "I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

She struggled over her own words, unable to say what she meant. Her head was fuzzy, she really needed to breathe. The scowl on Joanna's face shifted, but all eyes were on her. The air wouldn't come into her lungs, no matter how hard she tried. She hadn't meant to hurt her. She would never do that, she-

Before anyone could react, she was sprinting out the door. She didn't know where she was going, but there was only one place she could go. She pushed the doors open and was met by the heavy cold of the night. She hadn't realized it was that late. The garden lights had flicked on, the fountain noise was soothing, and despite the lack of insects, Odette could swear she heard a lone cricket.

She clenched her fists as tears rolled over her cheeks and she tried to suck in enough air to make the world make sense again. That night had just been too much. She should have stayed home.

The sting of the cut in her hand startled her. As if she was feeling it for the first time. At least it was grounding. With a shaky breath, she looked down at her hand in the faint light. It was only a shallow cut, the bleeding had stopped already.

Taking a few deep breaths with her eyes closed, Odette tried to return to herself. She couldn't believe what she'd done. It had been an accident, but she had done it with the intention of hurting someone. Protecting herself. She thought she'd never been like that; violent, afraid, desperate. Not anymore. Not since she fought to get her life back.

She wiped over her cheeks as she moved back to the few steps, sitting down. The air was cold enough to give her goosebumps. Her clothes were sticky and the liquid extra cold on her skin, but at least she could breathe, at least there was silence.

Dropping her head in her hands, tears welled up again. She just couldn't believe she'd hurt Johanna. She'd been bleeding quite a bit, too. She didn't want her to be upset with her, that would surely be the last straw.

She heard the footsteps in the hallway and lifted her head, wiping away her tears again, as well as the dried blood now on her cheek. "I don't want to do this right now, Cecelia. We can talk in the morning, I'm fine."

"You really have to work on your lying," her head snapped back at the sound of Joanna's voice. She jumped up, apologies already on the tip of her tongue. At least now she had the words. "It's okay, it happens."

Johanna had stopped her before she'd begun, but that didn't stop Odette. "It doesn't! I hit you in the face with a glass," Johanna moved down the steps, sitting next to the spot where Odette had been moments ago. "I didn't mean to hit you, really. I'm so sorry, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you."

Odette looked away, leaning back against the wall and bringing her hands to her face. "I know that," there was a tinge of annoyance in Johanna's voice, but she reached for Odette's hand anyway. "There's not an evil bone in your body."

She'd thought so too. She was so busy trying to be warm and kind to everyone she thought that was who she was. "Apparently there is," she was frustrated with herself. She didn't want to be like this, didn't want to resort to violence just because she once had to. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Johanna's grip tightened on her hand before she pulled Odette down. She complied, sitting down on the narrow stair. Their thighs were touching and Johanna intertwined their fingers. At least she didn't seem to hate her. "Nothing's wrong with you," she was almost gentle. "It's their fault."

A humorless laugh escaped Odette as she finally met Johanna's eyes. "I know you love to, but you can't blame everything on the Capitol."

"They put you in their stupid games, they made you fight to survive. They're the reason that happened. Whatever it was." Her grip on her hand tightened, and despite everything, the corners of Odette's mouth quirked up for just a moment. 

"I still did it. I murdered two people. It made me like this."

"It made you a survivor," Johanna said. "It's their fault you had to become one."

But what does it mean to be a survivor? Maybe it was just another word for monster.

Odette looked down at her hands. At their hands. Johanna's hand was pale in her own. Scarred and rough from the work she does in her district. There was still dried blood on her other hand. She closed it, the cut moving uncomfortably, flakes of dried blood falling to the ground.

"Has someone looked at your cut?" Odette turned back to Johanna and away from a difficult conversation. At least this was something she knew, something that came naturally. Caring.

"It's fine," Johanna said, leaning against the door frame. Odette was aware that the weight in her hand had not changed. A warm sort of comfort filled her. "You're not as strong as you think."

Odette smiled but moved closer anyway. Shifting until she was on one knee to inspect the cut. It didn't look deep, but it couldn't be good to just leave it. "Let's at least disinfect it," the light was dim, she reached out to touch the skin around it. Hopefully, there was no glass still stuck in it. "It's no problem, I have to look at my hand anyway."

"No," Johanna swatted her hand away, lips curling in something between a smile and a grin. "Nothing I can't handle."

Odette rolled her eyes, sitting back down. "I know that, but it can get infected. There might be glass in it still."

"A cool story to tell, a vicious woman smashed my head in, left a nasty scar."

Odette shoved Johanna. "Come on, it would make me feel better."

"You just want to hurt me again,"

"Johanna!" Odette laughed this time, leaning against Johanna without thinking about it. "You make me feel awful."

Johanna chuckled along, her weight comfortable against Odette. "Can't have that," she said. "Fine, let's play doctor."

Odette snorted, freeing her hand to run both hands over her face. "You're unbelievable."

"What?" The woman stood, offering a hand to Odette. "Sounds fun, doesn't it?"

Still with a smile on her face, she allowed Johanna to help her up. "You're ridiculous,"

･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

(a/n): i was like 'ill update once a week dw' now I'm just like updating twice a week or not at all