"Okay.." I said and took a deep breath. "I.. I'm, uh... Well, ever since Grace and I broke up, I realized that.. That I've never been into a girl except her, like ever. And I also realized that I'm.." I stopped a little and took a deep breath. Still looking into Jack's eyes, I finally said "I'm into guys, I'm gay"
I said it! I finally said it!! I can't believe I finally told Jack the truth.. Well not the whole truth but half of it, but still! It's a big progress.
I broke eye contact with him and looked at his lips. It's formed into smile.. I looked back at his eyes and my tears started to fall again. "Please, do..don't hate me" I whispered between tears
Jack chuckled and came closer to me and hugged me real tight. I must say I was surprised, I never expected him to hug me. I thought he'd be disgusted by me, and that he'll never talk to me again. I was mistaken... But then, I never actually knew what his thoughts of homosexuals were. I hugged him back so tight and buried my face in the crook of his neck and cried. Just like the way he held me when Grace broke up with me. I know, I'm so sensitive, well.. Extremely sensitive for a guy, though no one has seen me this way except for Hazel and Jack. My tears started to slow down, I don't even know why I was crying in the first place. Maybe out of relief? That I now knew Jack won't hate me because of my sexuality? Or because I'm afraid of what's going to come next? 'Maybe both' I thought.
"Sssshhh..." Jack shushed me while stroking my hair with his hands. "Don't cry Danny please" he said, and I swallowed hard to stop myself from crying. He pushed me slightly, so that I'm facing him. I looked down at my fingers, but he put his fingers under my chin so I'll be obliged to look at his eyes. Just like before and he said, "you really thought I'd hate you and we'd stop being best friends because of that?" He asked confused.
"Yes" I can barley recognize my own voice. It came out so cracked and throaty.
Jack let go of my face. He shook his head and chuckled "Danny, you're an idiot" he stated. "Dude I'd never hate you, ever. Nothing in this world can make me not be your friend! Damn dude you're my brother! Besides, nothing is wrong with being gay... Why did you make such a big deal of it!?" This warmed up my heart and the ache in my chest is gone now. I smiled a little at him.
"I don't know" I shrugged. "I thought you wouldn't approve of me being gay. And that you might feel awkward whenever you're around me, you know because I'm into.." Jack cut me off.
"What the fuck?? You really thought that!?" He laughed. "Fuck you man" yes please! NO! NO! JUST STOP DANIEL STOP!
"Shut up" I poke him in his shoulder. "I was afraid of you're reaction. I never knew you were fine with homosexual people" I said truthfully.
"Come'ere you asshole. Even if I didn't like homosexuals I'll still be fine with you being one of them" Jack said and pulled me into a hug. It made me feel so calm and safe. I wanted to be in his arms forever... Jack turned his head a little and kissed my temple, and I hugged him tighter. I Don't want to leave his arms just yet. "I love you Danny, I want you to know that and never doubt it" He said. I closed my eyes so hard and a tear dropped without warning.
"I love you, too" I smiled, a sad one. We both said we love each other. But he said it in a brotherly way, and I meant it in a different way. it hurts...
"Dan, Jack wha..." Hazel said as she opened the door of my room and stopped when she saw us hugging on the bed. That sounded wrong, though we're not doing anything. Anyways, we broke the hug immediately. "Sorry, did I interrupt something?" She said, with a dirty smile on her face. Hazel...!!
"Uh no, we were just.. Erm.. " He looked confused. He gave me the questioning look if she knows or if he should lie.
"Yeah she knows" I said looking at Jack. Then turned to Hazel and said "I told him"
Now it's Hazel's turn to get confuse. She probably thinks that I told him about my feelings towards him and that he likes me back because we were hugging. So I had to make it clear before she can say anything and ruin everything. So I said "I told him that I'm gay Hazel, why you look confused" and I gave her a warning look. She smiles for assurance in return.
"Oh, well finally" she smiled again. "So erm, I wanted to ask you guys what do you want for dinner?" she asked so casually like my confessions today were nothing. That feels good and calming, it tells me that I'm normal.
"Pizza" Jack and I said simultaneously.
"ugh do like ever eat something else?!" she raised her hands in defeat and walked out of the room closing the door behind her. We laughed.
"I can't believe you told her before telling me!"
"I needed someone to talk to about it, either you or her. I was afraid of your reaction so I told her. besides I told her today when I got back from school, if it'll make it any better for you" I said, giving him an apologetic smile.
"are you going to tell the lads? and be openly gay?" he asked, concerned.
"no, I'd rather keep it between us. For now at least." I said. I'm not yet ready to let everyone know that I'm gay. I'm the basketball team captain, I can't risk it. I might loose my position if everyone knew. "Why are you asking?" I asked.
"Just curious" he shrugged.
"Just curious? you're never just curious Jacky. Curiosity is my thing." I raised an eyebrow at him.
"okay, well, to be honest I don't want you to be openly gay either. Not that I mind, but I don't want you to get hurt you know, by bullies or whoever. And don't forget you're the team captain, and I don't think dad's cool with gays. You don't wanna be put aside, do you?!"
"yeah, I know" I sighed and ran my fingers in my hair. We stayed silent for a little while then Jack tilted his head looking confused then he laughed. weirdo!
"so tell me, do you find me handsome?!" he smirked, an evil smirk. 'yes I do' I wanted to say. "or tell me is there anyone in school that you like?"
"shut up" I rolled my eyes. "this is something weird to be talking about, lets play 'till the food comes. Then we can watch a movie or something" I said as I got up from the bed. I threw a hand controller to Jack and got mine, and we sat on the couch.
"sounds good" he said.
We played call of duty for an hour or so until Hazel came with our Pizza.
"about time" Jack said to Hazel without looking at her, as we're so focused on the game. Zombies are attacking us from everywhere, we're in level fifty. Not my high score, but I guess we're going to lose now, the players we're playing with aren't that good, one of then died thirty-four times.
"traffic" Hazel pointed out, and left the room.
"woah, Jack behind you!" I yelled. He's down.. fuck now I'm the only one alive.
"dammit" Jack hissed. There's like billions of zombies and I don't have enough ammo. I'll die, I'll die, I'll die. I'm dead!
"that wasn't so bad" Jack said as he took a piece of the pizza. "so anything specific you wanna watch?!"
"nah"
"horror?"
"course" horror movies are my favourite.
"hhmm... then how about insidious!" ugh
"how many time have you watched that movie?" I already know the answer.. it can't be counted!
"doesn't matter. it's a great movie!"
"fine.. I don't have a choice anyways"
Jack started the movie, and we stayed on the couch with the pizza. even though Jack watched this movie so many times, that I bet he can say the lines before the characters do. He still gets scared and jumps whenever a ghost comes out. I'm really not into the movie, I mean it's good I just don't like watching the same movie over and over again, next time I won't let him choose. I took it as an advantage and watched Jack instead. I looked at his hair, hazel eyes, nose, lips.. those lips though, I wish I could kiss him. I want him to be mine! I kept watching him and his reactions to the movie as if it's his first time watching it. Gosh he is so adrable! After that I drifted to sleep while watching his beautiful face on the couch.
