It was midnight, and here I was again sitting on my living room floor random cable shows playing in the background. I hold my breath looking as I think back to that night
"I'm just tired, you know? Always tried, and not even in the sleep deprived way. I can feel it everywhere, in my bones, my stomachs, my hair, my eyes..." I looked at them questiongly
"Maybe take medicine for it." My eye shift back to the tv
"No it's deeper than that. I'm so drained I'm so...so tired." Their voice cracked slightly
"Hey it's gonna be okay, you'll get through it. You always do." I smile at them, turning to focus on the tv before I can see their response.
"Yeah I guess so."
I pull at my hair, my back rocking against the couch. Why didn't I try, why didn't I try to understand. Why didn't I try to help, it was there laid out in front of me and I didn't do enough, I never do enough. I take a deep breath and remember again
"Hey here's some stuff I thought you might want." I smile looking at the box of things I have pointed out that I liked many times.
"Thanks! What's the special occasion?" I laughed, grabbing the box from them.
"No special occasion, can I just be nice?" They smirked faintly
"Okay okay thank you thank you." I smile noticing them glued to the front door "Do you uh want to come inside?" I laugh again, starting to notice they haven't laughed back.
"Nah no thanks I'm busy see you around." I shrug and smile
"See ya."
Gosh open your eyes. Why would they give you stuff out of the blue, it was there. It was handed to you, or was crying for help. To save them and you failed, why are you always a failure? I start to rock harder, my back starting to bruise from the harsh movements I make against the couch.
"Hey, can I talk to you?" Their voice was raspy
"It's 2 am. I'd prefer you not to. But since we're here," I shifted slightly in my bed my eyes closing again
"Sorry, um I love you." I take a deep breath slowly falling back into slumber
"Mhm." I reply briefly sleep quickly taking over me
Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Tears streamed down my face. I could've said goodbye. I had my chance and I was selfish. I was selfish for going to sleep god why didn't they let me help them. Why couldn't I just see.
"Hey, we need to talk." I groan
"It's five am. What is with people calling me so early gosh." I start to sit up forgetting sleep
"They died. They committed suicide three hours ago." My heart caught in my throat. I felt the world around me still. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel.
"I love you too."' Four words, four words that may have saved them that day. Four words I always wanted to say but time took that away. I slumped down to the floor recollecting my breath, every day for a year. I remember in the same spot at the same time with the same shows. Hoping one day it will end in a different way, one day I'll see the signs and get those four words in and save the day.
