"I don't want to be alive anymore." He told me once more from the same fetal position on the same couch he hadn't moved from in two weeks. The stench of his body odor over ran the normal smell of frebreeze in his living room. I always did like the blinds shut, but in this moment, all I wanted was to shine the sunlit through the glass door and kitchen nook windows so maybe he would get up. A pile of skin and bones lying beneath the blanket, shaking from alcohol withdraw and starvation.
"Please...you haven't had anything to eat in 14 days.... Let me take you to the hospital." I had begged over and over in those days, but the answer was always the same.
"Baby girl...I want to wither away. I don't want to be here anymore." His body was shutting down, it was clear to see, but as the suicide hotlines had already told me- I could not force him to the hospital. He is an adult, after all.
So instead I sat there. Watching a man I love, respect, and trust with everything I had, shatter his own heart- not realizing he was crumbling mine along with him. It's hard sometimes, to decide whether you are mad at someone or just sad about their choices.... I had always mistook any strong emotion for anger, lashing at everyone just because I felt. He had helped me grow out of that...and yet...now it seems the world was reversed.
You do your best to look at someone you love and accept their decisions. To not punish them by thinking differently, but while I watched him deteriorate in front of me, it had already began.
It was just the two of us. Really it was just me, for he was already far gone. I had been asked to go watch him and make sure he didn't hurt himself. All I've done is try and prove that I am no longer a child- I am an adult now- but on that day I realized just how little I am. And how much I did not want to become an adult.
"Hey Bae...I want to show you something." He smiled with dark sunken eyes and concave cheeks. He had to be careful standing up because of the dizziness that occurs after not eating for weeks.... But at least he was off the couch. I followed behind like a toddler and he brought me to his toy room. An office filled with everything he loves all hung on the wall and shelves of expensive liquors.... He brought us to his safe, I had not seen the contents within the safe before but all I knew was there were guns and cash. Hairs on my neck raised like foreshadowing in a cheesy horror flick. But this wasn't a movie.
"Sit down and I'll show you my most prized possessions. I'm just going to take a little swig first." He said reaching for the bottle and while I asked him not too, he shooed me down like the child I am. "I'm feeling a little better with you here. You should order some food from our favorite Greek place!" Why did I get so excited when he said that? Knowing in the back of my head that something wasn't right, I let myself hope.
We sat on the floor together while he pulled out his favorite items in the world, items only seldom knew of. Extremely rare comic books. These were his prized possession and this is why I loved him so much. He was the one who had taught me that being a nerd was cool after all. But it wasn't what he showed me...it was how. "When I die...I want you to keep these. I want you to store them for safe keeping and I want you to pass them to your kids one day...." The pain in his eyes...before I realized, silent tears spilled down my cheeks. Don't do this. "That won't happen for a long time though...right?" I managed through quivering lips. His eyes stared directly through me, as if he were completely alone, and he forced a grin before placing his items back in the safe and standing up. "Want to listen to some music!" His voice was cheery but his crying eyes said otherwise.
He used to be in a band in college, guitar player. He is a metal head and rocker to his core, saying Red Hot Chili Peppers were posers. His shelf bowed from the sheer amount of CD's, tapes, and records he owns. "What should we listen to?" He brittle fingers snapped through the albums as if he already knew what he was looking for. "I've never listened to a record player before so, whatever you think." His head shot towards me in surprise. "Never? Oh man...then I know what we're listening to."
