All I Want - 3 - ON HOLD

•1•

"Good morning Amelia, how has your day been?"
I stare at the ground, picking at my fingers that are already bloody from anxiously ripping at the skin for weeks. I didn't want to come into therapy today. In fact, I laid in bed up until Haz showed up and forced me to leave. So now here I am, with a lady that is twice my age and emotionless, being forced to talk when I don't want to.

"It's been shit. Just like any other day." I shrug. My eyes lift to meet her bland emotionless ones. I hate how impersonal therapists are. They act like everything you say is normal when it's really fucking not.
"Are the nightmares back again?" She questions.
"Yes." I answer.
"Let's talk about them.."
does this woman not understand that I don't want to discuss the nightmares that make me relive the worst thing that's ever happened to me over and over again.

"I will not talk about my dream of loosing my pregnancy with you. I'm sick of it. It doesn't help. None of this helps." I throw my hands up in frustration. I don't know why I have to be here. Therapy can be very helpful in some situations, but in mine? Absolutely not. Nothing can fix my husband leaving me or loosing my baby.
"Lia, I know it's hard-"
"Except I don't think you do know how hard it is. Every morning I was waking up next to the love of my life, knowing that I was growing our baby inside of me. Now all of that is gone forever and there's nothing I can do about it." I state. "And in fact, I think I'm done for today. I'm going home."

I quickly stand from my seat, and walk out of the office without another word. I don't know how anyone can expect me to sit here and talk in detail about everything going wrong right now. As I walk out, I see Haz waiting in the car scrolling on his phone. I walk over and get in, his head lifting instantly and confusion splayed across his face.
"Why are you here? You still have time left." He says.
"I'm quitting therapy." I mutter under my breath.
"Lia.."
"No Haz. Please. I can't do this right now." I sigh.
He simply nods, and starts the car. I don't know whether is the lawsuit coming up this next week with Derek, or something else that's got me so much more worked up than normal. But therapy is just making everything way more stressful.

"You do realize.. you can't keep it a secret forever." He mumbles to me. I look down at my stomach, remembering the little bean that I try so hard to forget about. It's been two weeks since everything happened.. and I still haven't worked up the courage to tell Tom.
"I know.. but now just is not the time. I can't." I shake my head.
There's too much going on, and I try to avoid Tom as much as possible. I'll tell him soon.. but not yet. The only people that know I lost the baby are Haz, Stass, and my mother. That's it. I don't want anyone to think it's mine or Toms fault because the sad truth is, these things just kind of happen.

Haz drops me off at my home. A cute little two bedroom in an adorable neighborhood. It's got a white picket fence and everything. It's almost a dream home. That is until I realized the dream would be to have Tom on the sofa drinking a beer and our kid running around. It feels empty and lonely.

I sit down at the table, seeing the divorce papers in front of me. We agreed to do this without lawyers, and all I need to do now is sign. The papers have been sitting here for a week now, and Tom told me to take all the time I need, but honestly? I don't think I'll ever be ready to sign an agreement that divorces me from the love of my life. This feels so unfair.

I pick up the pen that's been sitting in the same place next to the papers for days, and hold it to the paper, trying to sign.
"You can do this Lia. If he doesn't want you anymore, then you don't want him either."
Such a lie. But that doesn't stop me from signing my name, divorcing me from the person I love most in this world. I am once again, Amelia Daniels.

I sit and cry for a while. It feels like I've lost everything, like I'm starting all over again. Sure, I still have my job but money means nothing when you're alone. Stassie practically begged me to move in with them even if it was just for a couple weeks, just so I could have a support system, but I said no. They're engaged, they're getting married in less than a year, I'm not going to invade on their life just because mine isn't going well.

I take my gaze away from the divorce papers, and head down the hallway to the bathroom so I can start getting ready for work. I've taken the last couple weeks off just to get myself back in a better head space, which Tom completely understood, even though he has no clue about what happened to our baby. I'm nervous to go back and see him today, but I need to get back to work sooner or later, and I have to deliver the divorce papers anyways.

___________

I walk into the building, saying hello to Greta before hoping on the elevator. It feels so weird, and almost wrong to be back. Last time I was here, Tom and I were in love. Now I feel anxious, empty, and sad. My life isn't my life anymore. And as much as I don't want to, I blame him.. I just want my life back.

One spark of happiness does come though when I walk down to my office and see George working away on the computer.
"Long time no see." I say, making him jump slightly as his head whips to me.
"Mrs. Holland, would it be inappropriate if I gave you a hug right now?" He asks.
"Not at all George." I smile. "I kind of need it."
He jumps up and hugs me tightly. I missed him. He may be my employee but he's also been a friend. And I need all the friends I can get right now.

"And from now on.. please call me Ms. Daniels or just Lia." I comment and he pulls from the hug, lifting his brow.
"Why?" He asks.
"No ones heard?" I question with shock. I figured it would be widely talked about in the office by now. This is a difficult thing to keep secret.
"No. What's going on?" He asks.
"Nothing.. um.. I'll explain later." I nod to him, and let him get back to work.

Standing outside of Toms office with extreme anxiety, I continually lift my hand to knock, but don't go through with it. Why am I the nervous one? He's the one who is leaving me. He's the one who is ruining everything we've created. This is on him. Yes, I may be lying.. but I wouldn't feel the need to lie if he wasn't doing this to me.

Just as I'm about to knock, the door opens and I'm met by a face that I really didn't need to see today.
"Bye!" Lydia calls as she turns around, meeting my gaze. Why the fuck is she even here? He can't possibly talk to her anywhere that isn't my workspace?
"Oh, welcome back Lia." She smiles.
Shut the fuck up... stupid bitch.
She walks past me, and I step into the office, seeing Tom for the first time in two weeks. I told him I need my space, and he's been respectful of that. Can't be too hard though if he's willing to divorce me.

He looks almost shocked to see me. It makes sense, I wasn't supposed to come back for a few more days. It angers me how fine he looks. His shirt is perfectly ironed, his hair is styled as it always is. It looks like these past two weeks have barely even affected him. Am I that easy to forget?
"Amelia.. I wasn't expecting you until Thursday." He comments.
"I just wanted to drop this off." I say, setting the papers on his desk.
His eyes glance over the signature before looking back up to me. I can barely look at it without crying, but he isn't even phased.
"Thank you." He nods.
"Yeah.."
He just looks at me for a moment, but I avoid eye contact. I can't do it.

"So when's the next ultrasound?" He asks, and it sends a pang of discomfort through my heart.
"Next week." I lie.
"I'd still like to come.. if you'll let me."
"We will see." I nod, and turn to walk out of the office.
"Wait." He stops me.
I turn back to him, my eyes now meeting his brown ones that I've missed so much. It's been so hard without him, it's been hard knowing that he doesn't love me anymore. And as painful as I thought it would be to look into his eyes, it actually brings me some comfort. Because those are the eyes that I've woken up to every day for years now. Seeing him for the first time in weeks is like coming home.
"Yeah?" I say just over a whisper.
"You know we're still friends.. right?" He asks, and I can't help the small laugh that leaves my mouth.
"Tom.. I think we both know that I can't just be friends with you."
He gets a sad look on his face, and I struggle to feel for him. He did this to us. He chose this.
"So you're just gonna drop me like that?" He asks.
"The way you dropped me? Yeah.. I guess I am."