When I'm Gone

1: Learn About Matrix

-Matrix-
I hate school. I always have. So now that summers over, I'm feeling even worse than I did yesterday. You see, tomorrows my first day of Sophomore year, and I just know it's gonna suck. It always sucks. At least in the summer you don't have to wake up early then be forced to learn useless things with people you hate. If I could choose, I'd definitely drop out or do homeschool at least. Sadly though, it's my brother's choice, and although he loves me, he's forcing me to go. He thinks I need to socialize, and he's kinda right. But that's the thing, I just don't want to.

I've never been good with people, I'm actually quite shy. Not shy enough where I won't talk in class or anything, but shy enough that I'm nervous to do so. And it doesn't help that everyone in my school has a group they belong in. And I don't. I don't belong with any of them. Hell, I can't even make one friend and get them to stick. I'm not popular, I don't have looks nor the body for that. I'm not a nerd, hell I barely passed last year and I don't even look like a nerd. I'm far from a bad boy, a jock, or even a good kid. I'm just... Nothing. Sorta invisible actually.

You know how in a show there's the main characters and there's the side characters that are always there but never talk or are noticed or even acknowledged? Yeah, that's me. I don't mind being alone, but I still wish I had at least one person to love and be here for me. And I want someone other than my brother. Speaking of Max, I suppose I should tell you a bit about him. Long story short, he's my older brother, he's 21 and he adopted me from my abusive parents. Sadly, even though they hate me, their still fighting against him for custody of me even though they know they can't get me back.

We live in a normal neighborhood in a decent sized house. It's a three bedroom but ones used as a office for us to share. We have two bathrooms, one being connected to my room, and a kitchen with a dining room and a living room next to it. It's a normal looking house, and I love it. Max works at a car repair shop close to our town, and we share a truck, though I have no reason to use it since I take the bus to and from school.

His girlfriend also lives close by, Mela. She's nice, pretty even, but I don't think she likes me since I live with her boyfriend and they can't have sex all day anymore. She lived here before I did, but she moved back in with her parents when I came along. I honestly feel guilty but I can't help it. I need to be here. She doesn't say anything mean or give me dirty looks, it's just the fact that she doesn't talk to me at all that gives away her true feelings towards me living here. Other than that everything's fine at home, no problems or anything.

I've been looking for a job too for when I get out of school but it doesn't matter because Max won't let me since I have school all year. Max cares about me more than anyone else ever has. He's the kindest person I know. He would do anything for me. He's really protective, though, and he wants me to be happier and be social but he doesn't know how I really feel. I just can't do anything right apparently. Yeah, those self doubting and destructive thoughts will happen a lot. That's just how I am.

I guess that's the effects of having abusive parents, you feel shitty about yourself. I have anxiety depression, the doctors don't do anything because I don't talk. My old therapist got pissed because I never said one word. She got so mad she quit her whole job. Whoops. If it gets really bad I'll self harm, but Max doesn't know about that. He does know I'm anorexic, I can barely eat. We're working on it though. My parents didn't feed me much so that's where that came from.

Max didn't even know I was being abused until the school called him. They apparently got concerned after two years of me showing up in bruises and cuts occasionally. Like, you didnt notice for two years? Anyways now I've been living with my brother for seven months, and everything's been getting better besides my own brain. I know I shouldn't but I've always wanted to have someone to love me, just like in the stories I read. People always feel safe and protected in their lovers arms and I ache for that feeling.

But it's wrong to want that kind of love since I'm a boy, I mean that's what I've been told. Stereotypical, I know, but shouldn't a guy want to protect a girl instead of the other way around? Thinking of it now, I've never actually had feelings for a girl. I've never been able to date, too busy with my family and own issues. Now I'm free but I've just never found anyone. It's sad, really, how I want something like that but I don't even know what it feels like. I've read about it. I've read about all romance. It's my favorite thing to do. That's why I was in my room all summer... My whole life actually.

I've never been kissed, or even hugged besides my brother. What if I'm alone forever? What if I die sad and unprotected like I've always been. What if... What if I never feel loved? I don't think I'm good looking at all. I'm fat and ugly, but people tell me otherwise. Girls always hit on me and try to sleep with me, but I always decline. I either don't have time or I'm just genuinely uninterested. I don't know why I never took interest in a girl before. Is something wrong with me? Maybe I just can't fall in love. Maybe I'm broken from my parents.

But like I said, I have school tomorrow and it's ten o'clock at night now so I should probably head to bed soon. I love sleeping but I'm really not looking forward to school tomorrow. It's giving me so much anxiety and I feel I may have a panic attack at any moment. School does that to me, makes me panic. I still have to go, obviously, but I'd rather drop out or do online. Again, my brother is the best but he just doesn't understand how hard it is.

I read a lot. Like I said before, it's usually romance. I don't watch much TV and I have a phone but hardly use it. I have social media and all that but it's useless when the only person I talk to is my brother. I don't post anything besides songs and books, and my private account only has a few selected people. Oh yeah did I mention that I love listening to music? I love music. I play the piano but only when I'm alone and I sing but I'm not sure if I'm any good. I love doing things like that when I'm not being watched. Public places make me nervous.

"Hey Matrix, did you like dinner?" Max suddenly asks me, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Yes, thank you it was lovely." I respond politely. If there's one thing my parents taught me, it's to be polite. That's probably the only thing they taught me. Apparently their rules only applied to me and not them. "I'm glad you liked it. Anyways are you fine if Mela stays the night. We haven't been alone in a while." He makes sure. I bite my tongue. I really don't want her to stay only because I think she hates me. But my brother welcomed me into his home and it caused her to have to leave, so I can't blame her for hating me.

He always asks me if I'm fine with it and even if I wanted to, I could never say I wasn't okay with her being here. She's a nice girl just wanting to be with her boyfriend but his annoying brother had to ruin it. So I keep my opinion to myself and let everyone else around me be happy. Like always. "Of course. You know I don't mind." I reply with a sly smile. "Yeah, I just want to know because it's your home too and I want you to feel comfortable." He smiles wide, which I return.

"I like Mela, really. You don't even have to ask me. Besides, she had to leave because of me..." I mumble the last part. "She doesn't hate you. I can almost read your tiny mind. She loves you, you understand why she is a bit strange but it's in no way your fault. You're my family and I'm going to let you stay, whether she likes it or not. Now get some sleep." He says, then kisses the top of my head, he knows I like that. I give a nod and he leaves, leaving the door cracked since I'm scared of the dark. I love you, Max, thank you.