I often dream about dying, not nightmares, just dreams. Sometimes I can feel it. The waves crashing relentlessly against my chest, the wind blowing through my hair as I plummet, and even the force of a truck unexpectedly ramming the side of my car door. The feeling of true suffering, the need for something quick. The thought of begging for a sudden failure of the heart.
Those are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. The things that make me cower under my sheets because I unwillingly anticipate the reaper. It'll never change. I want to die and greet the entity face to face. I pull my hair with my fingers crossed and scream because I am afraid. I'm afraid that I'll live a full life and die peacefully in my sleep. I have dreams about dying and have nightmares of not baring witness to it. I want my death to be torture, I want to attempt to release a cry for help, but can't due to my lungs being empty.
I can see it all. I see myself walking along the side of the road and tripping just as a car comes zooming along. I can see my head being ripped apart by the tire pushing my face like a vortex into the concrete. In an explosion of gore my neck twists and snaps and my cheeks scrape against the rough unforgiving street until the skin is ripped from my face. The car then swallows one of my eyes and the other is sent flying. My jaw is torn to pieces and my teeth scatter like roaches in the light, anything that was above them before is now a stain engraved into the road. And its through my lone eye piercing the sky I bare witness to all of this. I see my lifeless body lie there as the vacant car continues on like it just ran over an insect. I see this gruesome scene and though I'm dead I can still feel pain. Not the pain of a headless body, but the pain of the breeze passing around my eye as it travels through the air. It's sharp and I can't escape it. I would cry if I could because I've been stripped of the one thing I wanted to do, to close my eyes. This was true pain. This is what I need, what I crave, what I deserve.
I keep telling myself these things, but they're not true. Yes, I do want to die more than anything, but I am also mortified by the thought of it.
I cover my mouth and lean against the wall while tears continuously roll off my cheeks. It's the reaper wielding a knife. I can't step back and I can't scream. People see as they walk by this isolated valley, but they never give the situation a second glance. I fall to my knees and beg. I plead with apologies because this is not what I asked for. If I would have known my wish were to come true I would have never said the things I did. It looks me eye to eye and whispers "Too late." with the knife pressed gently against my throat.
I am the reaper. I glare back at my reflection and watch the blood gush out of my neck. I drop the knife in the sink and descend into a laugh. I'm loving this. My laughter is hollow and there's no going back. I instinctively grab my throat in an attempt to halt the blood, but there is no point. I have accepted my fate and look upon my hands to see what I've done, but they're clean. Dissatisfied, I look at the mirror to see what went wrong and I am given my answer. It's too late.
I am back on my knees and the reaper is gone. A bystander stares now like they are expecting a show. Little did they know, the final act has already ended. I am a coward and a fool. All that there is left to see here is what could have been. Now go away.
I throw the sheets off of me in a rage. There is no longer anything to fear out here. The reaper heard my regrets and will no longer listen. I open my bedroom door and it's the same valley as before, this time there is a way to go back. I walk past the walls and turn around. The door is still there and the walls that were once apart of a cage now represent a hallway. A sigh of relief leaves my body. I walk through the invisible bystander and make my way to a calling. A calling that's begging, almost like a reluctant cry for help. The call is coming from the bathroom door on the far side of the living room. I rush towards the kitchen and look for a weapon, I don't know what to expect. I grab a knife laying on the counter and hurry back to the door. I partially open it, but it seems to have a mind of its own. The door opens completely and the room stretches, there is nothing but disgusting laughter in it. This twisted creature is smiling and spewing thick blood from its mouth while holding a blade. It and I drop our weapons simultaneously and the sound of mine hitting the floor draws its attention towards me. Our eyes meet and it glares at me like a familiar face. This horrendous beast falls, grasping at my ankles, and with its last remaining breath it cries a soft "Help me.." and with nothing but pity in my soul the only thing I can say to this monster is-
The morning snaps it's fingers at me in the form of an alarm clock and I gasp in a cold sweat under white sheets. My broken panting overpowers my clock and throughout my shaking my thoughts say calmly at me "Nightmares never really make too much sense." I slowly pull the pale sheets from over my face in fear of what's on the other side. Sunshine wipes away doubt and illuminates an empty bedroom. I walk through this house feeling weightless. I don't know my destination, but I know I have to leave.
I exit the house and make my way to my car. My surroundings are dull. I enter the car and begin to drive. The world is calm and my actions feel seamless. I don't know if I've been driving down this straight highway for a minute or an hour, but it doesn't matter, everything feels right. I continue down feeling at peace, but suddenly I look to my left and see an upcoming street. Its far too late to stop now and I am almost lined up with it. I close my eyes quick and feel destruction travel through the entire car. This feeling causes me to tighten my grip on the steering wheel and slam down on the gas pedal.
The car is still traveling as if it has simply hit a speed bump. I open my eyes and see endless skyscrapers all connected to one another along the road. I press down on the breaks and the car comes to a halt almost immediately with no whiplash whatsoever. I step out of the vehicle shocked to be alive. I study the car and see a trail of blood following the top right tire. I go to examine the tire, but my train of thought is distracted with a nostalgic sound. A hollow plead for help. I look to where the cry is coming from and I see a single alley way. I walk towards the alley and watch as shadows appear as they walk in front of it and disappear as they walk past. I take each passing step with caution, dodging the shadows, and peek around the corner. There it lies, a dog. I uncover from the corner and fully stare at it. A weeping dog, It's obviously begging to be put out of its misery.
Just as that thought flies through my head the dog looks at me, not to beg, but what looks like a warning. It's angry. I step away from the dog putting one foot behind the other, but as my third step goes to meet the ground it is only met with nothingness. The force of that step pulls the rest off my body with it. I fall, losing my sight of the dog. I have zero control so the only thing I do is hurl up with my fingers crossed and pull my hair.
I scream and my tears fly away from me. I scream and I scream for as long as I fall until a surge of energy passes through my lungs causing me to gasp. In this gasp I expect to inhale air, but instead my lungs are flooded with a cold storm and the gap I formed in this abyss was quickly filled, crushing my rib-cage in the process. I sink down like a feather falling from the sky, feeling truly weightless. I hit an unexpected bottom and cause a quake. This quake sends the ground flying like sand being thrown in the air. This sand expands and takes over the abyss and just as I am blinded, everything falls and a white sheet covers my face. I breathe in through the fabric and my body is filled with agony.
It was only a dream. I sigh and the sheets float gently above my lips. I breathe back in, but instead of refreshing oxygen I take in more suffocation. What was once agony has been replaced with something far more petrifying. The suffocation didn't last long because in only a simple second I was gone. I stare blankly at the light and feel nothing. No blood rushing through my veins or air passing through my lungs, only silence and death.
The sheets flow down my face like a calm ocean wave caressing the shore, imitating a blink. As my eyes open from top to bottom I see it. An abomination.
