Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Thirty-two

I told Kuisma how my dad did something a father should never do to his child or an adult should never do to a child. I won't say any more of it, so I just hope you can figure it out.

Kuisma told me he had suspected it as soon as he saw the picture of my dad, who was standing in front of an old mahogany door.

Once he had gotten back from the bar counter, he had noticed I was gone. When he asked Fareed where I was, he said he hadn't even noticed me leaving, as he had been talking with his friend.

Then Kuisma had seen the picture and realized something was wrong, so he had been calling me and looking for me everywhere, only to find me sitting on the ground outside of the bar.

"I have never been as scared as I was when I found you there and you didn't react on anything I did or said", Kuisma had looked so anguished when he recalled that part of the story. Then he had yelled my name and I had seemed to wake up, only to push him away.

Kuisma had been so afraid when he had heard me saying the things I said, but he had wanted to make sure his suspicion was right. He wasn't sure why he needed to know, but at that moment it had felt like the right thing. Once I had started answering his questions, it seemed like I shut myself in. Somewhere out of reach.

..and here comes the part I'm particularly not proud of. You could say it was definitely not my finest moments.

Once my friends had noticed our disappearance, they came out to look for us. Paju had gone back in to get our jackets and the others had rushed to me and Kuisma. When Copa had tried to comfort me, by touching my shoulder or something like that, I had assailed him. You know with legs, arms and all, so it was definitely not pretty.

Eventually it had taken all the four of them — Kuisma, Ilari, Fareed and Copa — to handle me and keep me from assaulting anyone else.

Someone had called the police, so they came and brought me to a hospital. I had gotten sedated there and Kuisma had stayed the entire time by my bedside, refusing to leave.

I had been in and out for four days, so they had wanted to keep me in surveillance. You can imagine my surprise when I woke up in a hospital room and found out four days had passed. I ended up staying in the hospital for another four days, and they offered me crisis support.

You can also imagine how embarrassed and sorry I was when my best friend came to visit me and had a black eye and scratches on his cheek and neck. Fortunately Copa didn't blame me.

"It wasn't you", he emphasized as soon as I started apologising. He didn't come to ask for apologies, he came to see if I was okay. Actually he had visited me every day when I was unconscious.

I told him what had happened and why I had behaved the way I did, and Copa's answer was: "I swear if your dad wasn't dead, I would kill him." To which Kuisma said: "You and me both."

Finally came the day I got to leave the hospital, and we took a bus to the dormitory with Kuisma. The following days, when I should have been back to school, I mostly just laid on my bed, watched movies and drank coffee. You're probably not surprised to hear that Kuisma refused to leave me alone and skipped school as well.

One day I had to get up from the bed, take a shower and go to school, because the world hadn't ended and I still had responsibilities to take care of.

It was soothing to see nothing had changed between me and Fareed: he was still the same bigmouth he had always been. We didn't mention what had happened, we just continued living like we used to.

Other things did change, though, since one day Viljo came to talk to us and apologised about the way he had ignored me and Fareed all that time. Viljo had heard about my visit at the hospital, and I guess that had been the primary reason he didn't want to keep fighting.

Although I didn't like the way Viljo had been behaving, it was easy to understand why he had chosen Joakim's side: they had been friends for ages and he hadn't heard my side of the story. So I let Viljo back to our group, which was a relief to Fareed who had missed his old friend. Some evenings I hung around in their flat and had no issue having Viljo with us, but we didn't get that close anymore.

The next months I lived in a fog. Whereas the Earth kept rotating on its axis, I often got lost in my own worlds. During a conversation I could zone out and after a while I'd realize I had no idea what the other was talking about.

Even if I looked fine outwardly, inside I was a mess and hurting from the old scars that had been ripped open. But this time I didn't have to survive on my own: I had Kuisma, my friends and a psychologist I went to see once a week. The psychologist was appointed for me after the crisis support I got in the hospital.

I continued running as well, and every time I could run a little further and a little faster. It became an essential coping mechanism for me, and I got through many unpleasant feelings thanks to it.

So, I had professional help, friends and a hobby — but nothing helped as much as Kuisma did. When he said it was up to him to decide what was too much for him, he really meant that he could handle a lot worse. He wasn't going anywhere. I had shown Kuisma another level of crazy, but he had chosen to stay.

I would have done the same for him, because my love for him was stronger than any hardship that could possibly come in our way. Even if I was tired and even if I didn't always feel like fighting for myself, I kept going because of him.

When winter turned to spring it took me by surprise. At some point the healing had started, slowly but steadily. I was far from okay, but I was better than I used to be. The increasing daylight and the new twigs on the trees finally took the fog away. When the nature was waking up after a long dark season, I began feeling more alive as well.

Around that time we started creating something for the final exhibition, which would be placed in an art gallery at the center. I started painting a huge portrait, which strangely ended up looking like me, with oil paint and dark hues.

The closer we got to summer, the more relaxed everyone became. Our classes were informal and we got to come and go as we wanted, as long as everyone had something to show at the exhibition.

Kuisma on the other hand was busy with training, which left him physically drained. We still kissed and cuddled a lot, but Kuisma had become cautious to go any further. In a way I was too, but sometimes I was afraid he saw me tainted like I felt I was. Although nothing else suggested Kuisma would feel that way: during the past months he had showered me with care and love.

It was more of an internal issue, I think.  I was mirroring my own feelings and ideas about myself to Kuisma. If I felt tainted and undesirable, surely he felt that way about me too.

I had promised to talk to Kuisma about the things I had on my mind, but that one I just couldn't get out. Maybe I was afraid I was right, maybe I just felt like talking about it made me too vulnerable.

I had learned to know that even the most heartfelt love wasn't like it was in the movies. Love was never perfect or without complexity. I guess I'm trying to say that things weren't perfect and there definitely were things we should've talked about, but we were happy and in love nevertheless.

Maybe I should have written this book about Kuisma and in a way I did. Maybe I should have written a perfect love story, but as I said, those only exist in books and movies. I knew our love would have its highs and lows, but I'm pretty sure we had already shown each other we would get through anything. I knew I would get through anything as long as I had Kuisma by my side.

Just like I had nearly gotten through the year in a city that used to be so alien to me. It would be just a few weeks before we should pack our things and continue our lives in new milieus. We were young and the world was full of opportunities waiting for us. But first we needed to survive the final exhibition.