Listen, Obey

21. Twenty-First Lesson

At the same time, I wasn't an idiot. Drugs killed people; they almost killed Jace. It wasn't an overdose, it was the cold and the fact that he didn't feel enough. 

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In the afternoon, I took a walk to clear my head. I had to get out of the apartment, and I definitely had to eat something. My fridge was empty, and there was nothing in the cupboards. It was just me and my furniture, and they weren't many, and they certainly weren't my friends. It was at that point my phone started burning in my pocket. I craved a conversation.

The problem was that it felt odd to make a call for no apparent reason. What would I say, and what would they say? My options were limited. I had Lisa and I had Matthews, or Marc. It was difficult to think of him as Marc. He was Matthews, not Marc. On one hand it bothered me that I had to change my way of thinking about him, but on the other hand, it felt like I was in on a secret: that he had allowed me into his inner circle. It was strange that all it took was one little word to mess things up in my head. 

The afternoon offered a cold sun. The snow still covered most surfaces and it was almost too bright to look at. I should have worn sunglasses, not only to avoid the fierce white light from the snow, but they would also hide me from the world. 

I fought my way down the street, trying not to fall or get stuck with a boot somewhere in a pile of snow. It was cold, and it reminded me of the snow fight two days ago. That had been freezing but not in the same manner. There was a house to return to once the snowball fight was over and done with; I had another coat and another pair of boots, but most importantly, I had a family around me. It wasn't my family, but it didn't matter. They had something precious, and for an afternoon they allowed me to be a part of it. 

Thinking about them only augmented the hollow loneliness gnawing at my heart. I wanted to call. I really did. I wanted to hear Marc's voice in my ear. I wanted to hear him talk about nothing and everything. 

I wanted to listen. 

The problem was that I felt like a school girl with a crush. The thought made me stop dead in my tracks. A crush? Sure, I liked men more than my mom thought appropriate while she was still in my life, but a crush on Marc? 

To prove it wasn't true, I pulled up the phone from my pocket and pressed call with a numbing finger. 

With every ring that sounded in my ear, the knot in my stomach became larger and heavier. 

"Hello there."

This time I didn't have any trouble with keeping the phone in my hand; rather, I held it so tight that I thought it might break. 

"Hey," I replied. 

"What's up?" He sounded busy. 

"Nothing much. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called." 

"It's no problem. Tell me about your day."

I didn't know what to say. My day had consisted of nothing but aimless walking and staring out into space, but that wasn't something he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that I was doing fine, that I was rocking life. Then I remembered that he didn't want me to lie. Fuck. There was no way out of it. 

"I've been thinking a lot," I said, hoping that he wouldn't ask about anything specific. However, just as I said it, I realized how it sounded. He could interpret that in a number of ways and several of those ways weren't exactly beneficial to my situation. I didn't want him to think I was thinking about him. What a mess!

"I've been thinking too." 

Luckily enough, I had a brick wall on my left to lean on, otherwise I would have struggled to keep my balance. I was afraid to hear the rest of what he had to say. I couldn't analyze that response, but it was there. 

Something sounded in the background, and I heard someone talking. 

"Sorry Ethan, something just came up. I'll call you later. Okay?"

The tightening knot in my stomach grew again, but it wasn't like I could ask him to stay on the phone and keep talking. Especially not since I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the rest. 

With a shaky voice, I replied, "Okay, talk to you later." 

"Later then." 

The call closed, and I wished I hadn't called at all. I didn't know what to make of it, and I didn't know if I wanted to pick up the phone if he did call. 

Perhaps it was my paranoia speaking, but I had a bad feeling about everything. 

A/N Okay, sorry again for the short chapter, but it was all I could do. I wanted to give you all some more of Ethan's background though. Please leave a vote if you liked it, and if you're feeling extra kind, drop a comment :) love those. 

xox