Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Twenty-eight

Even though the writer seemed to have good intentions, the letters began to sound more and more accusatory: I have no friends and I really want to get to know you, but you won't write back. Why are you avoiding me? You make me feel so sad.

All that time Kuisma didn't mention the letters to his parents, but they could see he had gotten quieter and that he spent most of his time in his room. Kuisma felt like there was no one he could trust. Someone he knew had been burrowing their garbages, someone knew way too much about his private life and someone followed his every move. 

There were no real changes for a while: he got letters every now and then. He still knew almost nothing about the writer, but he had a feeling that the writer was a girl. Turned out he was right.

Nearly a year after the first letter, when Kuisma noticed someone was following him. That someone followed him all the way from school to his home, quietly and a few steps behind. He didn't turn around until he was certain that person was following him, and at that point he could already see his house.

"Who the fuck are you?" Kuisma had shouted and glared at his follower. The girl was about same age, her skin was pale and blond hair covered half of her face. She looked fragile under her loose clothes and she had a bad posture like she wanted to shrink away from the world. The girl looked startled.

"I wanted to come say hello", she breathed. Kuisma had just stared at her, shocked and angry.

"From now on, can you not?" He had snapped. Then the girl had said she had nothing else to live for, tears swelling in her eyes, and Kuisma had said the words he would regret for the rest of his life: "I don't care, just leave me the fuck alone."

The next day Kuisma had gotten a call from an unknown number. He had been on his way to school, just like any other weekday. It was the girl's mother, accusing Kuisma with teary voice: she loved you so much, how could you be so cruel to her? She killed herself yesterday and that's all your fault. My beautiful girl is gone and it's all because of you.

Only later, when Kuisma contacted the girl's mother again, he found out that the girl had told her mom Kuisma was her boyfriend. Her room was filled with pictures of him and she wrote about him in her diaries. The more you read her diaries, the more you realized she was delusional. She truly thought they were dating, and when Kuisma broke the vision, she couldn't keep going anymore.

After her death Kuisma was crushed by guilt: if he had been nicer to her, if he had seen the pain she was in, she could still be alive. He started having nightmares, waking up covered in sweat every night, his grades started dropping and he skipped school so often they had to ask his parents to a meeting at school.

Kuisma became withdrawn and started getting into fights at school. He exploded for seemingly petty reasons. The violent and unpredictable behavior cost him most of his friends.

The guilt wouldn't go away and it was getting unbearable, so Kuisma started questioning if there was any point in living. Nearly everyone had turned their backs to him, he would soon have to revise the school year and he felt so alone in the middle of it all. He couldn't sleep or eat. It was like he was already dead.

Kuisma was in a chemistry class, when he made the decision: after the class he would pack his books and pens, walk home and cut his wrist. He would leave like the girl had left, because he felt like that was the only right thing to do. When the time came, Kuisma felt calm and resolute. He packed his belongings, walked home, spread out the letters on his bed and cut open his wrist.

When Kuisma woke up, he was in a hospital surrounded by his parents. His hand had started healing as it should, so he could have gone home after a few days, but the doctors decided to send him in a psychiatric ward for a week. There Kuisma started talking about the letters and what had happened during the year. The week turned into three weeks, and he started seeing a therapist soon after a sign-off from the ward.

Kuisma's parents decided they and their son needed a change of scenery, so they left their previous jobs and started again. Kuisma continued in a different school and his grades got better after a while.

Seeing a therapist made it easier to deal with what had happened, but dancing was the thing that got him back to his feet. It became a way to relieve anxiety and the unbearable guilt eased down little by little. He started getting better, even if he was never going to be the same he had been before.

Kuisma closed his eyes and sighed. He had said everything he needed to say.

"She was sick and that's what killed her, not you. You know that, right?" I asked.

It's probably needless to say that I was shocked. The pain Kuisma had been through made me hurt for him. He didn't deserve something like that, but did anyone? Sometimes bad things happened, and it didn't matter how good a person you were.

"I know, but I still feel guilty sometimes", Kuisma answered. "Anyway, it was a long time ago and I'm better now."