missing pieces|| bucky barnes

thirty six

his facial expression was unreadable, yet his eyes were still wide with terror. he shakily wiped under his eyes, tears wet on his cheeks.

"honey, i'm okay. i promise." she spoke softly, seeing bucky's chest rise and fall rapidly.

"i need to go outside." he ignored her statement, bucky unable to wrap his head around what he had just done. he's never done that before. his voice was shaky and barely above a whisper. he still couldn't look alexa in the eyes. she took a deep breath, nodding.

"okay, at least take a jacket, it's freezing." she watched him nod, him grabbing a hoodie. he slipped on his shoes, and made his way to the door.

"james." she called for him, bucky abruptly stopping with his back to her.

"i'll be here, for when you decided to come back inside." she watched him nod, and he walked out of the bedroom without saying a word. she rubbed her face, getting out of bed. she walked towards the bathroom, and was quite shocked to see it was only red, and there were no signs of bruising.

she walked out of the bedroom to the living area, grabbing one of the books off the bookshelf; pride and prejudice. she had just started reading it, and she was really enjoying it.

knowing she wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep, she placed the book on the table and headed to the kitchen to make some tea. she set the water on the stove to boil, and made her way back to the arm chair.

after a few minutes, she heard the water start to boil. she placed her book back down and headed to the stove. pouring the water into a mug, she grabbed a tea bag and some honey. she sat back down on the arm chair, setting the mug down on the table infront of her.

her head perked up at the noise of a door opening, then closing a few minutes after she sat down. bucky walked down the hallway, seeing alexa sitting in the chair. she put her book down, bucky standing awkwardly in the hallway.

"i can make you some tea, if you want." she offered, watching bucky look anywhere but alexa. he muttered a quiet no, alexa nodding to acknowledge his response.

she watched bucky sit down on the couch, slipping his shoes off. he was still clearly distraught and angry with himself, alexa noticing his clenched jaw and the vein in his neck popping out.

alexa got up and sat down next to him on the couch. she hesitantly reached her hand out, bucky looking at her hovering hand, then finally for the first time, up at her.

"can i hold your hand?" she asked softly, bucky having a internal battle with himself. he just wanted alexa to hold him in her arms and tell him everything's gonna be okay yet at the same time he really couldn't trust himself at the moment.

he nods his head yes anyways, alexa interlocking her fingers with bucky's metal ones. they were silent for a moment, alexa smiling softly at bucky squeezing her hand. she squeezed back.

"buck, i'm not scared of you. you can talk about the dream if you want, you know that from the beginning that i'd never let you go through this alone. i'm not afraid of you, or your arm. i trust you. i trust you with my life. i know it was an accident, and i'm not angry or upset and i'm not hurt or in any pain. i'm gonna always love you unconditionally, no matter what and i never want you to forget that." she reassured him, and bucky was floored on how she could always read his mind.

they knew that when they started opening up to one another about the nightmares that they could be vulnerable, knowing that they weren't being judged. alexa's free hand went up to cup his cheek, bucky closing his eyes as he leaned into her touch.

"it's okay james, i'm okay." the very moment that she felt his tears land on her hand, he broke down. alexa immediately brought bucky into her arms, his body shaking as his muffled sobs rattled his figure. his face was smushed against her chest, alexa's hands rubbing his back soothingly.

"oh god, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry." alexa heard his muffled apologizes, her kissing the top of his head as she pulled him impossibly closer to her.

"shhh, it's okay baby," she felt a lump appear in her throat, alexa swallowing it. "it's okay, everything's alright. i love you, m'kay, never forget that."

bucky's chest heaved as another sob left his mouth. alexa was honestly surprised nobody was curious about the noise, or that they knew that whoever was crying needed privacy.

"i don't deserve you, i love you, i love you, i'm so sorry." he muttered back, lifting his head from her chest to hook it over her shoulder.

"you deserve love and happiness james. you deserve it so much." they were in somewhat of a comfortable silence, bucky's breathing evening out. alexa placed a kiss on his shoulder, bucky pulling back to look at her.

"can i kiss you?" he questioned lowly, alexa's thumbs wiping away his stray tears. she gave him a soft smile, nodding her head.

"of course you can."

with her hands cupping his face, bucky pressed his lips against her's. it was small but full of so much love. bucky's scruff tickled her skin, bucky feeling the way her mouth curved slightly upwards. they broke away, alexa placing one last kiss to his cheek.

a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes laid on his face.

"how's that book?" he questioned, alexa taking a sip of her tea. she held the mug in her hands, looking at her boyfriend.

"it's good! parker has some good taste in books." the two chuckle, alexa taking another sip. bucky looked down at his lap, feeling suddenly embarrassed.

"can you read it to me?" he asked below a whisper, alexa smiling softly.

"of course i can. c'mon, let's go lay in bed." bucky nodded, alexa standing up first. she stuck her hand out, bucky looking up at her. he gladly took it, standing up. the tea was warm, so alexa finished the rest that was left before placing the mug in the sink.

hands interlocked, alexa led bucky back to his room. bucky changed out of his slightly damp clothes, leaving him in his boxers and a dry t-shirt.

the two slid into bed, alexa turning on the lamp on bucky's nightstand. alexa rested against the headboard as bucky curled into alexa, his head on her chest. his left arm draped across her stomach, bucky sighing as alexa ran fingers through his hair. she picked up the book, opening to where she left off.

"so, this ball is about to take place.." she explained what was happening before she read on, hearing bucky hum in acknowledgment. bucky listened intently as alexa read to him, asking questions along the way and adding commentary that made alexa laugh.

she got two chapters in before she realized bucky was sound asleep. she smiled, putting a bookmark in her page and closing the book. she placed it back on the night stand, alexa then laying down as best she could without waking bucky.

"friday, lights out." the lamp turned off, and she looked at bucky in the dark, who was still peacefully sleeping in her arms. she kissed his head before she too fell back asleep.