DECADES OF LOVE ☾ bucky barnes

2 | hearing the blunt truth

"So, Miss Blake, have you had anymore panic attacks recently?" Dr Raynor asks.

"No." Keela simply replies.

"We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying." Dr Raynor states. "You seem to be quieter than usual today. What happened?"

"Nothing." Keela replies, watching as the woman pulls out a pen. "No, come on! Why the notebook thing?"

"If you don't talk then I will write about it." Dr Raynor informs.

"I had a stupid little nightmare last night after seeing Sam's speech." Keela admits. "I haven't had one since before I started coming to see you, so it's been awhile. It was about my time as one of the Winter Soldier's and I was obviously harming people in it. When I woke up I was scared and confused, which led to another panic attack..."

Dr Raynor pauses. "There's something else."

"There's nothing else." Keela protests.

"Look, Keela, eventually you're going to have to open up and understand that some people really do want to help you and that they can be trusted." Dr Raynor tells her.

The woman stares at the doctor in disbelief. A rage of anger begins to bubble up inside of her at the words that have just been said. If this were a different circumstance then maybe she would feel less stress about the situation, but it's the fact Dr Raynor got told the truth and kind of ignored it.

"I just told you what happened." Keela angrily says.

"But it's not the whole truth, you're still keeping stuff from me." Dr Raynor states. "I'm a doctor, I'm here to give you therapy. You can trust me to help you do what's best and get through your struggles."

"I know that." Keela mumbles.

"Have you been following the advice I have been giving you?" Dr Raynor asks.

"Yeah, I've leave the house everyday to take a walk and clear my mind." Keela replies.

"And the other one? Trying to reach out to more friends to help with not isolating yourself to particular people?" Dr Raynor questions.

"Y- Yeah." Keela lies, internally cursing for stammering and screwing up her cover.

"Pass me your phone." Dr Raynor instructs.

Keela let's out a sigh, rummaging through the pockets of her jacket before reaching forwards and passing the phone over to the woman. Dr Raynor opens the device and scrolls through the contacts before pausing, a sigh coming from her own mouth.

"You have less than ten contacts on here." Dr Raynor states, passing the phone back while proceeding to throw the blunt truth her way. "You're alone, Keela. You're a hundred years old. You have no history about your family—"

"You don't think I know that?" Keela snaps, interrupting her. "I know that I'm alone. It's not my fault I became a goddamn experiment for HYDRA and was unconscious for most of the years. I didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't want anyone to die."

Dr Raynor grabs the notepad once again, snatching the pen from resting on the table beside her. Keela groans in annoyance as she sinks down in her seat, watching the woman aggressively write down notes into it that will be reported back to the government.

"Give me a break." Keela pleas, irritated. "I'm trying my best, okay? I was a Winter Soldier for years and when I thought everything was getting better, I just lost the people I loved. This is new for me. I'm mourning and struggling with my past."

"Did you go to Wakanda like James?" Dr Raynor asks, curious to know.

Keela freezes slightly at the name. She almost forgot that Bucky is probably struggling with everything that's happened to him too, almost feeling guilty that she never even tried to reach out and check up on him. But she has her reasons, and one of them is to make herself feel better by claiming that he hasn't tried to check on her either so it's okay.

"No, I didn't." Keela replies. "I stayed in the Avengers Tower and got help from them."

"So, now that you've stopped fighting and you're dealing with everything, what do you want?" Dr Raynor asks.

"Peace." Keela simply replies.

"That's utter bullshit." Dr Raynor comments.

"So's everything coming out of your mouth." Keela fires back, instantly regretting it when she notices stuff being written on the notepad again. "Wait, no! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"I was a soldier once, so that meant I saw a lot of dead bodies and I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell. Keela, that is something that's very hard to escape." Dr Raynor tells her.

"I'm trying." Keela says, voice cracking with pain slightly.

"I know you are, and you've been so strong through it all." Dr Raynor softly replies. "I understand that you've been through a lot, but you've got your mind back and you've been pardoned. You're free."

'Then why don't I feel like it?' Keela thinks.