A Family of Flaws

Chapter Eleven; A Soldier's Assessment

  He cut and sliced his one arm. Ripped at his skin and hair. Clawed at his eyes and metal arm. He couldn't stop doing it. It was a never ending cycle full of pain and awful memories. And then Steve found out.

  Steve listened and stayed and he understood. Bucky went to therapy for about a month, but it didn't work until they suggested alternate ways of actually coping. And so Bucky picked up baking, something he had done with his mother when he was young up into his teenage years. He stopped going to therapy, but he probably should have stayed, he still had nightmares and had thoughts of the other ways even if he didn't act upon them.

  Thankfully, Bucky hadn't relapsed so far, but Steve made sure to keep a watchful eye on him. And the many scars would always be there, the other Avengers were well aware of what he had done for his first few months free from HYDRA. No one brought it up, but he had felt the shocked and concerned stares the first time they saw them, they were just as worried as Steve.

  "Hey, hello? Any one in there? You're damn cookies are burning, Barnes." Barton called, snapping Bucky out of his memories and thoughts. They all knew he tended to zone out, but half the time he didn't zone out thinking of good things, and he really hoped none of them found out. Though, Wanda possessed the power to peer into the edges of your thoughts, so it was likely she had glimpsed a few of his mental episodes.

  Bucky cursed and quickly pulled the tray out of the oven, thankfully with his metal arm, and placed it on the counter. That's it. He was done with baking for the day. Maybe he could spar with Steve or something like that, which required a few less concentrated thoughts.

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*Bucky's POV*

  Sparring with Steve had been a good idea. The whole time, Bucky just let old instincts take over as his thoughts slipped further and further away from reality. Fighting was easy compared to emotions and relationships and worrying about people he didn't want to worry about.

  It was just stupid that Stark would drive himself over the edge like that. Bucky thought it was clear that they appreciated him, that he didn't need to constantly provide for them. It was always nice to see how much Stark actually cared for them (he tended to buy and make things as a way to show how much he cared) but Bucky was tired of the playboy giving up his own mental and physical health.

  One way or another, the team was going to show Stark how safe he had already made them. It was okay to make stuff occasionally, but he was going to need to learn when it was unhealthy. Balance was key, after all.

  "Y'know, I'm glad you're starting to like the team." Steve admitted, throwing a punch that Bucky easily blocked and countered with his own kick. Bucky rolled his eyes and tried to avoid eye contact. "I wasn't sure if you would ever warm up to them."

  "I don't like the team." Bucky grumbled as Steve took out his legs and made them both topple to the ground. Steve just laughed and shook his head. "Am I that obvious?" Bucky relented, looking up as Steve stood back up and gave him a helping hand.

  "Sorry, Bucks, but yeah." Steve laughed again and they went back to their fighting stances. "It's why Clint teases you so much." He continued as they began once again. "Don't take it personal though, that's just how Clint is."

  Bucky nodded, he had long since come to realize that the archer tended to tease everyone he was comfortable with. Even at inappropriate times, which wasn't always good but it normally lifted Bucky's mood (no one could ever let Barton hear that).

After a few more rounds they decided to end their little sparring session. It had been a nice distraction but they couldn't just throw punches at each other all day. Plus it was time to decide what to order for dinner, always a fun time in the tower.

The elevator brought the pair to the Avengers common area floor where there was already a few small arguments breaking out about what to eat. Bucky smirked, the only real facial expression he willingly let his face display, and leaned against the wall to watch the chaos break loose.

Steve already looked close to popping a blood vessel as he stood in between the living room and kitchen, trying to calm everyone down by waving his arms around and shouting out orders like the soldier he was.

Someone mentioned pizza and Bucky's stomach flipped. "Absolutely not. Pizza is off the list for another month." He called out, smirking again as members cheered and booed at him like it was his fault they got it every week.

  "Sushi—" Sam was cut off by Barton who furiously shook his head and started talking about how he got food poisoning from some spicy shrimp.

  "Okay, okay— it isn't Sam's fault that you went to a shady restaurant, Clint." Steve said like the grandpa he was, trying to stop all the arguing. "This really shouldn't be such a hard decision." He mumbled as he came to stand beside Bucky.

  Bucky allowed a small laugh to pass through his lips and patted Steve's back with mock sympathy. "This is your life for the next foreseen years." Bucky reminded his friend, hiding the satisfaction he got when Steve groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

  "Don't be so dramatic, gramps, it's only going to be like this every dinner for every day." Steve punched his shoulder and walked away, wandering into the living room to seemingly converse with Wanda.

  "I still want sushi!" Sam complained before getting a pillow thrown at him curtsey of Barton. "You are a child, Katniss." He shouted back as another two pillows were launched at his face. "Don't make me get my wings out!"

  Bucky finally felt his darker thoughts melt away as he looked around him. It was chaotic and very strange but this was familiar and safe. The team was wacky and amazing in every way possible. Even if dinner was basically a war zone.

  "Y'know what—" Steve called from the living room, drawing everyone's attention. "We can get McDonalds." He said in defeat, Steve always tried to get them away from fast food but he had apparently reached his limit for the day and caved.

  "Aw, thanks, gramps." Bucky smirked. "Can I get a happy meal too?" It was Steve's turn to throw a pillow, missing Bucky and hitting poor, confused Vision as he wandered out of the elevator.

  "Can it, Bucky! You're just as old as I am!" Steve grumbled before apologizing to Vision, who was still looking around like he wasn't sure if he should be offended or not.

  After finally making the decision, they all placed their usual orders and someone was on the way to pick it up and deliver it. Surprisingly, most of them were very picky eaters so even when they could agree on where to eat none of them would change their normal order. And Bucky was not ashamed to admit it. It was totally normal to be afraid of getting a new order instead of your usual.

  Though, as the food arrived and Rhodey took his food and Tony's food away to Tony's bedroom on the floor above, Bucky and the rest of the team were reminded once again of his blatant absence. It was a sharp stab in his anxiety as he munched on his food, suddenly no longer hungry and just wanting to curl up in his bed at that point.