Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

17: No air

Because I haven't calmed down yet or let the adrenaline leave, I twist and turn, pushing him away with my elbows. I grab his hands that are around my waist and try to pry them away from me.

"Let go of me!" I scoff at him, trying to move away, but my feet are no longer on the ground as he carries me to a different area, further away from concerned stares and frightened whispers.

"Calm down." He says to me.

"Get off!" I scream at him, not wanting to hurt him, but scratching his hand trying to make him let me go.

He doesn't. He just keeps his hand wrapped around me giving me no room to stop and take calm breaths. This is all his fault! Why would he lie to me about her? If not for the sake of keeping something dirty away from me.

"Put me down." I slap his hands and this time I kick my feet relentlessly.

"Stop!" Ashton yells at me, the bass in his voice prominent as he raises it loud enough to startle me.

It's surprises me to the point where I actually do calm down. Now, instead of fighting to get away, I just begin to feel like a child. I blink, still not processing the way he shouted at me.

He closes the door behind him and finally lets me down once we get into a room.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I exhale sharply through my nose. I reach back to take out the hair tie that was holding together the bun that used to be in my head.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"What's wrong with me!?" I scoff, getting worked up all over again. "What's wrong with you? Why would you lie to me?!"

"What? I--"

"Are you sleeping with her!?" I interrupt him, staring at him as multiple emotions jumble together inside of me.

Ashton furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head back. "What? No. What does that-- no I'm not sleeping with her."

"Are you sure? because it seems like you have no problem lying to me."

"About her relentlessly trying to get my number! Not about having an affair."

"Lying is lying!"

"You tried to kill her!"

"Not on purpose!" I point my finger at him. "And don't try to flip this around on me. I did nothing to you! .....Oh wait, I'm sorry for trying to kill your side bitch. Is that it?"

"I'm not--" He sighs heavily in the middle of speaking. "I'm not having an affair. What is your problem?"

"The same problem I've always had!" I yell, becoming frustrated. "What is your problem!?"

"Right now, it's you."

"Of course it is." I shake my head.

I've always known that though. It's impossible for him to really like me, I don't even like me. Outside of being a mother, I'm nothing. I've worked so hard to be a good mom and wife, that I didn't take time to focus on being a good person. This is what happens when you use what you are to other people to determine your self worth. I don't love me when I'm just me. I only tolerate myself when I'm a person caring for other people. I guess the fact that I'm a horrible person can't be disguised by me trying to be a good wife. I've always had that feeling.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said. I have to use the bathroom."

"You....assaulted someone." He stands in front of the door, not letting me out. "You can't just walk out."