Empathy with the dead

Chapter 2 - Revelation

My eyes were hazy and so was my heart. I woke up after two hours. My entire body felt lethargic. I guess it is not used to collapse because of a potent emotion like a shock. My mind still could not comprehend the fact that Grandma had left us. She was always so healthy, so lively, in last 5 years she hadn't had a single ill day. She practiced some sort of natural medicinal techniques. Though it looked like witchcraft to me. So how could she just die of a stroke? She was old, but not that old. This doesn't feel fair or even possible.

But alas, it is all true. Nothing I contemplate, nothing I do, can change the reality. Grandma Nelly has left us forever and nothing can bring her back.

The entire time I was unconscious, Jake was sitting beside me. Grandma was also his favorite. He particularly liked her herb mint tea. It acts as a bane for his overthinking and calmed his anxiety before football matches. I hated the taste but could really use some now. There are hundreds of little things that will keep reminding us of Grandma. Her herbal snacks, charms she used to make to protect us from bad dreams, those afternoon tea parties, and of course her the embrace of her love.

But keep thinking about what we lost will lead us nowhere. I got up from the couch and was ready to leave. Suddenly, I felt Jake's hand over my shoulder, making me come to a halt.

"Are you sure, you are okay Elena? You still seem in shock. Rest for a little while longer and then I will drop you."

"It is okay, Jake. My house is just next door. I can walk that much. Don't worry about me and look after yourself. Don't you dare fail tomorrow after I wasted three hours on you today?", I tried to reply with a soft smile, trying to cheer him up.

"I know Elena, you are trying to act strong. It is the only way you deal with difficult situations. But I know, what you are passing through. You are grieving inside."

Suddenly, he embraced me in a bear hug. His hands thumbing on my back like I was a little baby. The words coming out of his mouth were full of genuine concern and worry. His voice calming and his embrace strong. All this finally broke through me and maybe after 15 years (out of 17) I cried like a baby.

The next day was Grandma's funeral service. A lot more people than expected showed up. There were our close relatives, neighbors including Jake's family and Grandma's freaky friends. Even far away relatives and supposed to be "family friends", some of whom I don't even recognize came. What is this, a free snack party or just an excuse for casual leave from the office?

It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters now. This service is for the lady sleeping in the casket. And she is not my Grandma. She is sleeping like there is no worry in the world. Grandma always worried about everyone in the world. She is holding white lilies in her hands. Grandma would have plucked none.

And she was so dead, so devoid of any emotions. Grandma radiated life like the burning sun. Just by being in her presence ill-got better and their deepest emotions come to light. The lady in the casket has no presence at all. I can feel nothing from her. Why god, who is she, what have you done to my Grandma?

I almost drowned in grief. There was an enormous mass hovering over me, a great void in my heart threatening to engulf me. For the time being, I could keep an appearance of calmness. But the lid holding back the volcano of despair and defeat was weakening me from inside. Grandma will just disappear from my life. I can never talk to her again, never feel her presence again. I simply cannot accept that, I refuse to accept that.

I will feel her presence again, feel her love again. Impossible can go to hell. I will feel her again. And suddenly, I felt her.

Just for a moment, suddenly my mind was filled with a sense of peace. A quite blissful place in complete harmony with nature. A feeling of pure satisfaction, the complete assurance that everything is alright. Nothing is left to give now, nothing to take from the world. Now just relax in the eternal slumber until the next phase of the journey begins.