First Snow

Wrong Train, Right Direction

She turned her head and gave him a sad smile.

"I know where you come from..." she said softly.

He tensed. He didn't expect any kind of blessing from anyone, but if he was honest with himself, being appreciated by her mother was important to him. Because he knew that despite all the misunderstandings and hurt, Seri loved her. He was of course ready to protect her against anyone, including her own mother, but he was glad it wasn't necessary at this point.

"Her story belongs to her... But when she was a baby, and then a child, all she wanted was to be loved... She was smart, smartest than her brothers, and kindest too, despite everything. But I kept making mistakes, terrible mistakes, until she totally closed herself and left us... Our relationship was so difficult and it's all my fault... "

He knew that, part from what Seri had told him, part from what he had guessed between the lines, and everytime, it made his heart hurt to imagine her lonely to the point of not knowing how to be loved anymore.

He wished, more than ever, to be able to spend the rest of his life loving her with all he was and all he had, to show her how worth it she was, how special and unique she was. And knowing that he wouldn't be able to do so was slowly killing him from the inside.

"But you found her. And I'm grateful. I don't care where you come from, I'm just asking you to love her and to protect her..."

He closed his eyes as unexpected tears slidded down his cheeks. He didn't deserve her trust, not when Seri was in intensive care because of him. He felt a cold hand pat gently his arm.

" I know all the odds are against you, I know you do everything you can to protect everyone... But I believe you truly love her and I know you'll find a way..."

"What if I don't..." he whispered, his voice broken.

He never voiced out his doubts, because he had always been used to be the strong one, the weight of responsibilities only increasing since his brother's accident, towards his parents, his brother, his men, his country... And yet, deep down, he was terrified, because he wasn't sure to be able to function again without her, because he knew she needed him just as much as he needed her.

"If it's meant to be, than you'll both find a way..."

He let out a shuddering breath.

He had been wondering for several days at what game fate was playing, what its plans were, why to offer him a love like he had never felt if it was to make it impossible. He had fought against himself, he had fought against his feelings, but her laughter, her wit, her beauty, her strength and her vulnerability, everything that made her who she was, had wiped out all his efforts and never had he been so happy to capitulate. But why, if it was to abandon her then, if it was to abandon himself.

*******

Seri woke up again after several hours.

Doctors had managed to prevent the sepsis, but she was weakened, and when they announced that only one person was allowed at her bedside, he let her mother go. He was dying to see her of course, he would give everything he had to hold her in his arms even if only once ...

"Are you sure ?" her mother had asked. "She will want to see you ..."

He knew that, he knew that despite the horrible words he had said to her, she still had faith in him, he had seen in her eyes that she was hurt by his attitude but she had never doubted him, and he had only one desire, to ask for her forgiveness, and never to leave her again. Except that it was not possible, and going to see her when time was running out seemed most cruel, especially when she was still weak and vulnerable.