Explaining the Infinite

Feeling Again

[Dean's pov]

It's been almost a week since Cas has left us. Left me. And here I was, lying awake in the middle of the night again, thinking of him. It's crazy how familiar the action is for me. When he was... when he was still around, I would often be awake late into the night, thinking about him. About how he made me feel. Feel alive.

Damn, I've turned into such a wuss. Thinking about feelings? That's more Sam's area. I was always supposed to be the stronger one. I had to, because I needed to take care of Sam. In this case, it was being more emotionally closed off. That's how dad raised me. That's how I was used to thinking.

It protected me, not feeling. All I felt was the sense of protection for my younger brother. The sense of duty of upholding the family tradition of monster hunting. Protecting the innocent from the unholy. It was what I did. What I was told to do. And that did not include feeling. Feelings were a hinderance. They only weakened me. At least, that's what I thought.

But now, things have shifted slightly. All because of an angel in a trench coat. Because of Cas. My chest tightened at the thought of him. I take a deep breath, trying to counteract the pain.

Just breathe. Breathe through it. I squeeze my eyes shut. Over the past week, I've had many experiences with my panic attacks, and I'd found that slow breathing helped to calm my body back down.

"Breathe, Dean." Cas's low voice whispers to me.

After he left, I still hear him sometimes. And I know it's not really him. It's just in my mind, just my own thoughts, but in his voice. Just my imagination, longing for something that isn't there. Not really him. I'd never hear his voice again.

I chuckle to myself, but it's not out of amusement. Just at the irony of how I felt. I spent so long suppressing my feelings, but now that I've acknowledged them, they have no use.

What I'd give to hear those damning words out his mouth again. "Hello, Dean."

Tears begin to slip down my face. I'm so fucking tired of crying. I've cried so much over these past days. It's exhausting and it doesn't really change anything. Sam says that it will make me feel better, but it doesn't actually help. It won't bring him back.

Slamming a fist into my bedside table, I will the thoughts away. "Damnit!"

My short nails dig into my palms, leaving tiny imprints of crescent moons in the flesh. The skin smarts, but I don't care. Physical pain is nothing, compared to the emotional torment that I'd been through. This constant ache in my heart is the worst thing I'd ever felt before. I felt sick, almost to the point of nausea.

It was like my chest was being ripped open, little by little. Leaving my beating heart exposed to the world. A heart that had been damaged over all my hears of living. A heart that was so tired of carrying on. One that, now that it was exposed, was slowly stopping to beat.

Closing my eyes, I clutch at my chest, willing the agony to stop.

"Dean?" A quiet voice spoke from the doorway of my room.

I froze, keeping my eyes shut. It was impossible, I had to be imagining things. I was thinking about him, that's why it happened. Why I thought I heard his voice. But it seemed so real.

My curiosity won me over and I opened my eyes. A small shock ran through my body, setting my pulse wild. There he was. His hair looked messy, as though he had ran his hands though it recently. His clothes were slightly mussed too, but there was no doubt who he was. My angel.

"Cas?" My voice shook.

He nodded. "It's me." Hesitantly, he took a small step forward, only to be doused by the vial of holy water that I threw at him.

"Get back!" I shout, grabbing my gun out from under my pillow. "What are you?"

'Cas' shook his head wearily. "Dean, it's me."

Ignoring him, I shook my head. "The hell you are! Are you a shifter? Demon? Ghost?" I paused. "Can angels even have a ghost?!"

He sighed again, running a hand through his already-messy hair. "No, we aren't capable of having a spirit, in that sense. That's reserved primarily for human life. And no, I'm not a demon." He looked offended at the very thought.

"Then you're a shifter!" I yelled, cocking my gun. "This thing is loaded with silver rounds, I'll take you out, no problem.

'Cas' looked startled. "Well, that's a very nice idea. I've never been on what humans call a 'date' before."

"Stop trying to confuse me!" I snarled. "I'll shoot you."

"Dean. It's me. Look, I'll show you. If I were a demon, I wouldn't be able to do this, would I?"

He shifted his arm, and an angel blade slipped down comfortably into his palm. Making a small incision on the back of his free hand, he winced slightly at the sensation. The wound parted his flesh, revealing a small strip of angelic grace. "See? And now, look." His other hand passed over the wound, emitting a faint glow. When the light faded, I could see that the cut was gone.

"Cas?" A hoarse whisper came from my throat. A small flicker of hope darted through my mind. "Is it really you?"

He came closer, with some caution. Like I was a frightened dog that may bite him if he went too fast. "Yes, it's me." His voice was soft and his eyes seemed to sparkle up at me with a new light. "Here." He extended a hand.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I reached out to him. As our fingers laced together, I felt that spark of hope grow into a flame.

SO many things were going through my mind. I wanted to ask him where he went, if he was okay, if this was permanent. Part of me just wanted to kiss him again and to never let him go. All of these thoughts jumbled together. But the only thing that came out of my mouth was a shaky breath. I paused, collecting myself. "How are you here?"

The smile from his eyes reached his mouth, and my eyes fell to his perfect lips.

I resisted the urge to touch them, to kiss them again.

He spoke. "Amara. She saw my sacrifice. And, well, since you two have your connection." He tapped the side of my head lightly, leaving his hand there for longer that necessary, drawing it down to my cheek. "She knew how much I meant to you." A faint blush was beginning to creep into his face. "And when she saw what I did for you, she felt grateful to me. As God's sister, she had enough power to satiate The Darkness."

A tear rolled down my cheek. "So, The Darkness won't come to take you away? You're here to stay?"

He just smiled up at me, his beautiful blue eyes brimming with happiness.

I felt more tears fall from my eyes. "Thank God."

Cas tilted his head, confused. "No, thank Amara. God had nothing to do with it."

A small chuckle left me. "I love you so damn much, you know that?" I didn't wait for a response this time. Instead, I pulled him closer, my hand tangling in his hair.

A small sound of surprise left him, but he made no move to pull away. He kissed me back at an unhurried pace, his lips moving lazily against mine. We had the time now. For me to spend every day with him. To tell him all of the things that I've wanted to say over the years, but was too afraid to admit them. I would show him every bit of love that he deserved. And I'll be damned if I was going to hold anything back this time.

Because here I was, holding the man that I loved in my arms. My heart was racing, the pound of blood working its way through my body. My body, in which I could feel all the love that I'd ever felt for Cas warming my chest. I was so wrong. Love wasn't weakness. It was strength. What I felt for him right now made my head spin from the rush. Our love wasn't hidden anymore and it was incredibly freeing.

Because now, I realize what our love is.

Our love is infinite.