Baby Grey (Grey's Anatomy) ABANDONED

Forty one

"What happened at Elliot bay?" Wyatt said. Erin met her eyes, the two staring at each other for a few seconds.

"I didn't want to die, but I wanted a way out and if dying was the way to get one, I was gonna take it. I couldn't swim, anyway, so when Meredith tried to save me, I wouldn't let her. She wasn't strong enough to get both of us out and I didn't want to be saved," Erin admitted.

"And why didn't you want to be saved?" Wyatt asked. Erin looked at her lap.

"I have a problem," she said.

"You have a problem?" she repeated.

"Yes. Meredith has practically raised me. She's basically my mom and she acts like it, too. She's done everything for me and I was hiding Rob's abuse from her because I didn't want to upset her and because I was scared that he would hurt her. I was trying to protect her and that's the problem. She didn't need protecting. I did and I wouldn't let her in to do that because I was trying to protect her," Erin said. Wyatt mulled it over.

"You were ashamed," she realised. Erin nodded slowly.

"She raised me to be strong and independent and I've never had a problem with men before. I could always get them to do what I want when I want. Rob was different. He made me small and scared and I hated myself like that. I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I know I have no reason to be ashamed. I got out, he's in jail, I'm safe and I'm moving on, but I think there will always be a part of me that's ashamed that I let it happen," Erin said.

"You didn't let it happen. You were a victim. Abusers take control, take away your freedom gradually until it's all gone. You're right in saying you have no reason to be ashamed, but feeling ashamed is normal because you had expectations for yourself and you think you let everybody down by not exceeding them. How did Meredith react when she found out?" Wyatt asked.

"She was upset. I mean, I knew she would be but I think she kept a lot of it inside so I didn't get upset. She was hurt that I didn't tell her but she said she understood why. When it was the day of Rob's trial, she stayed with me the entire time. She was really good about it. And I regret not telling her, 'cause it would've stopped sooner and everything would've been okay. But I also don't regret telling her, 'cause it's definitely brought us a lot closer. It's taught me what kind of people I should stay away from and in the future, I'll know not to go near another Rob again," Erin said.

"So, what about Jesse? Are you going to go there with him?" Wyatt said. Erin groaned and rubbed her face.

"He's caught feelings and I think I might be catching them, too. But I don't really want to be with him because I'm all screwed up and he's put together and it's not his job to put me back together, it's my job to do that. I don't want to hurt him and I inevitably will because I always hurt people too close to me," Erin said.

"You have to stop thinking of yourself as someone with a giant warning label above them. Bad things have happened to you but there is no reason for you not to date Jesse unless you don't like him in that way. Forget all of your bad things for a minute and think of what you want. If he's serious, he'll handle your issues and it's not like you'll be dealing with them alone. You're in therapy. You're making conscious efforts to get better," Wyatt said.

The timer beeped and Erin stood up.

"Thanks, Wyatt," she said.

"Think about it, okay? If you like him, go for it. If you don't, well, don't hurt both of you by dragging it out," Wyatt said.

"I will," Erin smiled, leaving the room to go back to work.

"Erin!" Callie shouted. Erin stopped walking down to the CT suite, raising her eyebrows at her. "Question," she jogged over.