Black Brother Oneshots

The Titanic: Still Sinking (feat. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black)

Now, this one needs a little explaining, especially since the title ( which is "The Titanic: Still Sinking (feat. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black)" if it's cut off) would probably make no sense to anyone but me. No, before you ask this isn't an AU where Remus and Sirius are on the titanic and yeah, that would be depressing so let's not get into that. This is a skit.

A skit, for those of you who don't know, is like a short comedy piece that someone performs. This particular skit is one I've done in Girl Scouts (I played the role your about to see -or read- Sirius in, and I killed it, not to toot my own horn or anything). Anyway, I could just see Sirius doing this, so in my camp nostalgia (I'm gonna be a Junior Counselor this year and I just got the paperwork so yeah) I wrote this. (Pretend that wizards know about the Titanic. Maybe a famous wizard died on it, because they couldn't do magic, and pureblood supremacy people use it to show why they need to travel via magical means. I dunno.)

I was contemplating whether to have Remus or James play the second part, but I don't think that James could convey the pissed-offness for lack of better word. I'm rambling too much now. Remember it's a comedy skit and imagine Remus and Sirius performing it in front of the Common Room, and let your imagination run wild.

(Their names are italicized, their words are regular, and their script is bolded and italicized)

So, let's give the two some Lights, Camera, Action 🎬

Remus: Hello, everyone. As you probably know, my name is Remus Lupin. But what you all probably don't know is that I am aspiring for a career in screenwriting. So for you all today, I have prepared a never before seen preview of my newest show, The Titanic: Still Sinking. And my partner, Sirius —

Sirius: I'm Sirius!

Remus: — has volunteered to help me perform it. Now keep in mind this is our first one through, and we've only read the scripts ourselves

Sirius: We read the scripts ourselves?

Remus: Yes, we. Wait, Padfoot, did you not read the script?

Sirius: How mad would you be if I said I didn't

Remus: You were supposed to! Nevermind that. Get to your spot, off stage.

Sirius: I won't disappoint you, Moony

Remus: If you say so. Okay, we're starting the scene. *holds his script like a steering wheel*

Sirius: *rushing on stage* CAPTAIN THREE TIMES FAST

Remus: CUT! Padfoot, what was that?

Sirius: I was reading the script. *holds script up for Remus to see* Read it.

Remus: Captain 3× — Sirius! You're supposed to say Captain, Captain, Captain!

Sirius: *looking at his script* It doesn't say —

Remus: It's self-explanatory! From the top, take your places. Do you know your line?

Sirius: Captain, Captain, Captain

Remus: Yes, thank you. You ready? *Sirius gives a thumbs up* Okay, take two. *holds up script as a steering wheel*

Sirius: *rushing on stage* CAPTAIN CAPTAIN CAPTAIN! IT'S SO BAD! IT'S SO BAD!

Remus: *looking over* What is it?

Sirius: WHERE ABOUT TO HIT AN ICE CUBE!

Remus: CUT! Padfoot.... How big is an ice cube?

Sirius: Like this big *uses his fingers to indicate the size*

Remus: And how big's the boat?

Sirius: *stretching out his arms* Like this big.

Remus: So you think something this big *indicates the ship's size* is going to crash into something this small *indicates an ice cube's size*

Sirius: Probably not

Remus: It's an iceberg, Sirius

Sirius: *running off the stage* GOT IT, LIKE THE LETTUCE!

Remus: Wait! This isn't going to go well. Take 3.

Sirius: *rushing onto stage* CAPTAIN CAPTAIN CAPTAIN! IT'S SO BAD! IT'S SO BAD!

Remus: *looking over* What is it?

Sirius: WHERE ABOUT TO HIT AN ICEBEEEEEERG! LIKE THE LETTUCEEEEEE!

Remus: CUT! Don't add "like the lettuce" that's not on your script

Sirius: Got it. So, like the lettuce but not like the lettuce *leaves stage*

Remus: TAKE FOUR!

Sirius: *rushing onto stage* CAPTAIN CAPTAIN CAPTAIN! IT'S SO BAD! IT'S SO BAD!

Remus: *looking over* What is it?

Sirius: WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT AN ICEBEEEEEEERG!

Remus: Oh God! Well, how far away are we?

Sirius: NINE NINJA MONKEY'S! *proceeds to dance like a monkey*

Remus: CUT! Sirius, read that line on the script for me?

Sirius: Nine NM.

Remus: And what does NM stand for?

Sirius: I just told you. It's Ninja Monkeys.

Remus: *facepalms* It's Nautical Miles!

Sirius: Nautical Miles? You made that up. It's definitely Ninja Monkeys.

Remus: It's definitely Nautical Miles. Take five?

Sirius: This show has so many rules.... *exits stage*

Remus: Take Five!

Sirius: *rushing onto stage* CAPTAIN CAPTAIN CAPTAIN! IT'S SO BAD! IT'S SO BAD!

Remus: *looking over* What is it?

Sirius: WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT AN ICEBEEEEEEERG!

Remus: Oh God! Well, how far away are we?

Sirius: NINE NAUTICAL MILES!

Remus: Well, which direction are we going?

Sirius: WE'RE GOING DOWN!

I have no clue how funny it is if you've never seen it acted out, but I still wanted to publish it anyway, because I can. I hope you found it somewhat amusing?

I'll come with a written out oneshot soon!

~Maddy