-You know how this works out? The doctor asked him.
-Uhm... not really.
-Ok, so, what we're gonna do now is, we've stopped his lifesupporting medications..
-Mhm
-...and he will pass in a couple of days.
-Yeah, I know.
-We will give him as much sedatives and painkillers as we find necessary.
Some relatives will find that offending, and too much.
-I don't fucking care, just make sure he's not suffering!
-Of course
-From ANYTHING!
-Of course, the doctor repeated. -I've talked to his family. They're dropping by tomorrow.
-I know. Will Brett be able to talk to them? He'll be awake?
-Yeah, by all means. Not for a very long time I guess, but yeah, he'll be awake.
-Ok
-We usually give the patient a day or two after they've arrived, to say goodbye to their families, write their will, talk to the priest or whatever the need, to give them time to close their lives so to speak, before we increase the medications. So that when we finally do, the patient feels peaceful and ready to leave us.
We will increase the medicine until he finally dies, simple as that. He will not suffer in any way. IF he struggles breathing, we'll help him.
-That might happen?
-That might happen, when the sedatives paralize his breathing-muscles.
-Sounds awful.
-It's not. He'll be unconsious at that moment. He won't feel anything. And we'll help him out if that happens. As worn out his body is right now, he won't be able to handle the drugs for that long, he'll fall asleep and then get unconsious within hours.
-So you're actually drugging him to death?
The doctor shrugged his shoulders.
-We call it care. He would have died in days anyway, at least this is painless in every way.
-You know that for sure?
-We know that for sure.
-Ok, that's all I need to know.
-I recommend you go home, do what you need to do, get a good night's sleep and be back tomorrow. If you get finished and his family agrees, we will start giving the last medications tomorrow evening.
-So....? If you do that...? When will he be gone?
-Probably during the following night.
-God!
Eddy broke down.
-Eddy, listen... we want to get it over as soon as possible, for him, right? He's just lying there, suffering from pains and fears, for no use. There's nothing more we can do!
-I UNDERSTAND! But like... he's not a fucking dog! It feels a bit like bringing a pet to the vet to put him to sleep.
The doc shrugged again.
-Well. Call it what you want. This is what we do.
-At least you're being honest!
-I know you two! Doc smiled. -I KNOW he s not a dog.
-He's my whole life. The only one!
-I know. Go home and get some rest Eddy. I'll go see him before I turn in for the day. And I have them call you if anything happens. Ok?
-'k
Eddy still got things to do.
He had to see him only one more time before he left the hospital. He rushed to his room, delighted to see his love still sleeping peaceful exactly like he did when he left him last time.
Just to be sure though, Eddy stroked his hand. -I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be looking forward to see you.
Eddy kissed his fingers and ran out.
It was so fucking hot outside, thank God he would be running inside malls, they've got aircons!
Really, this was not how Eddy had expected it to be when he thought about it some months ago, but life rarely give you what you hope for.
He liked things to be perfectly planned, but now there was no time.
He finally got what he wanted though.
Eddy couldn't sleep. It was hell.
Tossing and turning in bed, while Brett wasn't there anymore. He would never be there anymore.
Eddy found himself cuddling Brett's pillow, to feel the scent of him. That did certainly not work at all! Made him just long for him, so bad it hurt in every part of his body.
He changed the beddings, threw all the used ones in the laundry, and put Brett's set in the closet, in every hope he could "forget" and think about something else. That didn't work either. That made him feel like less of a person, throwing things from his love out of his apartment even before he was dead!
Oh God!
The doctor told him to get a good night's sleep, yeah, as if that was possible!
He didn't know what to do to help himself. Everything was just too painful everywhere inside him, like ants tingling and crawling in everone of his veins, carrying pain. Bringing pain to his toenails, even the tip of his hair!
He tried a cup of tea, he tried a shower... everywhere in his apartment was Brett. Everything reminded him in it's own way about his love somehow.
He was desperate when he finally called Mia.
-Eddyy, hii! You ok?
-Not really. Brett's dying!
-I know! I heard! You want me to come over?
-Probably not a good idea, I don't know. I just... need to talk. Or... I don't know what I need.
-Look, I ll come over, and we'll take it from there, yeah? You want me to bring you anything?
-I don't think so. I should really get some sleep, but I can't. I just.... can't.
-Ok, I'll be there in a jiffy.
Jiffy. Eddy loved when Mia said that word. She was the only one he knew using it. It was charming in a weird way.
At 3am she knocked on the door, and Eddy thought to himself this is madness.
-No fucking! She yelled and threw her hands up in the air as he opened, and he had to smile.
He let her in and she threw her arms around his neck instead.
-Oh, Eddy, I'm SO sorry...!
The long hug made him feel better already.
-I need to sleep, I don't know how.
I need something to NOT think about Brett.
-You had a cup of tea?
-yeah, do you want some?
-Thank you!
She smiled and sat down on the couch.
-Oh, you still got these fluffy blankets!
-Yeah, I like them.
-You actually haven't changed anything in here since I left, she said, a little surprised.
-Well. Decorating apartments is really not my thing. I like what you did to it. Here you go.
Eddy sat down next to her.
-So... do you wanna talk about Brett or..?
-Please, no. That way I can't sleep, and I really should.
-Ok, let's talk about something boring then! She offered.
-Then I'll get agitated and not sleepy!
She laughed.
-Ok....
-I've got a boyfriend! She lit up, her eyes sparkling.
-Oh yeah?
-yeah!
-Do I know him? Is he treating you right? I'll be watching you!
Mia laughed again.
-Come here! I'll tell you about him!
Eddy, a little hesitant, stretched out his whole body and put his head in her lap.
She absentmindly played with his hair while she told him her long stories.
And he couldn't help it, but he was gone in a few minutes.
