love is my message {mj} || on hold

real «I»

I.

Now.

Absolute silence is so much that you start to see sounds and it seems that you are going crazy. It is even more terrible when this silence is not outside, but inside you.

A young girl is walking along the road. Not a single car, not a single person, and only she is in the middle of the road. The only sound you can hear now is her soft, uneven breathing. A crystal tear flows from her left eye, which she immediately feels and wipes with her hand.

This girl is me.

At the moment, I am returning home after celebrating my 23rd birthday with my friends, well, as friends. You know, you need to have at least some kind of connections and communication, so it's more likely just acquaintances.

It's a terrible feeling when you are sitting in a circle of people who are significant to you and there are many, really many. They all sit around you laughing and rejoicing, but inside you are so lonely and it would seem that there is no point in this because you are surrounded by people. It's so uncomfortable, the cold permeates your whole being and you feel so empty and lifeless and you don't want someone to be with you. You feel so damn lonely when you are alone, but even more lonely when you are among people. The house is full people find it easier to feel lonely.

And so I go absolutely not understanding what is wrong with me and why I cannot be so happy about it. I have a feeling as if there is just an endless endless emptiness inside. And the more I try to understand why I cannot be in society, the more I get scared because I can't understand how my brain works and why everything is talking about just pushing people away and keeping their distance.

At such moments when I am left alone I start thinking about it and I feel bad from not understanding all this. It's just bad from the very thought that I am strange, abnormal, that I myself may be to blame for all this, and that it was I who brought myself to such a state.

On the right side, I saw some movement and turned in that direction to see a little puppy who looked really emaciated and sick. I felt sincerely sorry for this little angel and I decided to come up and take a closer look. As soon as I started moving in his direction, he was scared and tried to run away from me, but the poor thing was so weak that he could hardly walk. I was so moved by his appearance that I decided to help this treasure. Anyway, leaving him like this here would be a bad idea. I took my scarf from my neck and gently approaching this cute creature, she wrapped him up and took him in her arms.

Approaching the house, I opened the door and went into the cold staircase. Climbing the absolutely quiet staircase, I reached my apartment and felt the puppy shaking violently in my arms. Whether from the fact that he was afraid or because he felt bad. Nevertheless, I opened the door and entered the complete darkness of my apartment. Closing the door and turning on the light, I carefully put the puppy on the floor and took off his outerwear. He stepped into the territory of the apartment and began to sniff a little and pace from side to side. I laughed a little at how funny and he seemed cute and walked on.

By the appearance of this most beautiful creature, it was not difficult to guess that he obviously did not eat for a long time. And the first thing I decided to feed him so that he felt at least a little better. Not finding anything that I could give him, I decided to just boil chicken for him, considering that it was quite a good idea. As soon as everything was ready, I put a plate of chicken in front of him and watched with incense as he carefully approached it, sniffing it and realizing that it was starting to eat with enthusiasm.

After this baby had eaten for the first time in a long time, I thought that it would not be bad to put him in order and give him a bath. That's why I did just that. While I was washing the puppy, I found an amazing similarity between us. There, on the road, we were absolutely alone and no one else. We were kind of like loners on our own and we can say that we found each other. I was so glad because this miracle so lifted my spirits and honestly I already consider him my only true friend, it's so incredible. I think the best gift this birthday.

Then my thoughts went to another place again and I began to think about today again. I really did not want to go out. My plans were just to go to the store and buy myself a cake with red wine, but apparently the universe was against me and everyone wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. I didn't want this at all. It could be a perfect day just watching some movies or taking time to music, but those were just my plans. And now I again remember how bad it was for me to be around everyone these people, how terribly uncomfortable it was. Now I felt like a recluse and it's scary.

And then it starts again. All the air has left me and I begin to breathe unevenly and sharply and deeply inhaling and exhaling air trying to capture as much as possible. Everything in me is tied into a big tight knot and I start to feel unbearably nauseous. My eyes blur and I stop seeing anything, as if I'm being drowned in water and I open my eyes in an attempt to do at least something. The head goes around and I start to sway from side to side. Then everything in my eyes starts to blink and darken. I swear I hear my heart beats so loudly that it scares the devil. Every time it's like the first time and it starts to seem to me again that another second and I'll die right there. And it could sound in a funny context, but now I'm so serious. Because I feel so bad and I feel like I'm dying.

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Hey my dear friends. Well, I thought about this for a long time and decided to try writing my own stories, it is really tempting. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I will continue in the same spirit. I decided not to do the prologue and not write personal information because that's all you will find out later, now it is not necessary. I recommend listening to the song "I want love" - Elton John when reading this chapter, it seems to me very suitable. This is my first fanfic and my first chapter and all this is dedicated to the person who I love with all my heart. I am sorry if I made some grammatical mistakes. I really hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

love is my message ♥ ️