The Book of Mormon Oneshots

If I Could Tell Him (ChurchTarts)

AN: For clarification, this is based on If I Could Tell Her from Dear Evan Hansen :) 

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Chris stood in the doorway of his sister's room, staring in with a solemn expression and reminiscing of a time when she was still alive. He remembered when they were little, they'd play with her Littlest Pet Shop toys together in here... when he came out to her as gay, she took the one he always played as and painted it rainbow for him. 

The blonde felt himself tear up as he sat down on her bed. Every time he passed her room in the hallway, an overwhelming wave of guilt and grief came over him. He missed it... he missed his final chance to say goodbye.

Chris's fingers subconsciously traced the pattern in her comforter. There were several paint stains on the blanket they couldn't get out, even after washing them multiple times. It usually all started with her booping his nose with her paint-covered brush to make him giggle, and then it evolved into a war of tickling and flicking paint at each other. Gosh, it was so different without her.

If only he had been there. If only he hadn't decided to get that new IPhone. If only they hadn't gotten into that argument the night before she passed away. Maybe then he could at least know she forgave him... maybe then she could've died knowing her brother still loved her, despite the petty things he said out of frustration, and confusion, and fright, and sadness. 

He didn't want her to go. The whole time, she would reassure him, "It's okay! I'll be back home really soon, and then we can play Mario Cart together again, and um - Littlest Pet Shop." she'd joke... but he could tell. He could tell there was pain in her eyes. He could tell she knew she wasn't going to make it.

Nevertheless, he'd come to let himself believe her words. For a moment, he genuinely thought that maybe - if he prayed hard enough - he could take away her sickness. Of course she wouldn't die - how could she? Miracles happen... 

God must've not been listening. 

When they told her she probably wasn't going to make it through the night, Chris panicked. He had an anxiety attack and just broke down. He ended up taking his frustration and grief out on her... 

His sister was his best friend and number one supporter - he couldn't lose her.

But he did.

She was gone, and she wasn't coming back.

Remembering all of this, Chris started sobbing uncontrollably, unaware that James Church had just arrived to help pack away some of her things. His heart hurt every time he remembered her smile...

James - His sister's best friend. His crush. His role model.

It was no secret that Chris had a thing for the boy. He blushed and stuttered whenever he was within five feet of him, and there were practically hearts in his eyes when he saw that beautiful face of his.

Though... nobody cared about the little brother. He doubted he was even noticed by his crush. To James, he was probably just the obnoxious sibling who barged into his best friend's room, asking for Poptarts. 

Little did he know...

When James walked into the room to find Chris bawling, his expression softened. He hated seeing the blonde like this. Everyone was obviously affected by his friend's death, but it definitely seemed to hit her brother harder than anyone. He knew they were inseparable - mainly because she would always talk about him non-stop.

"Hey..." He said softly, taking a seat on the bed next to him. 

Chris didn't even care that James was seeing him cry. It didn't even matter anymore...