Insecure

Explain Yourself

When I finally reach the door, I notice my mother left it open for me. I take a deep breath before heading inside. " Mom, it's all a misunderstanding." I begin to say until I see her nowhere in sight. I head down the hallway to see her sitting on the bed with a picture in her hands.

Curiosity gets the best of me as I sit beside her and look at the picture. I'm confused when I notice the contents of the picture. My mother is standing, smiling even, with a baby resting on her hip, but that's not even the strangest part. There's a man next to her. He has to be atleast 6 feet tall as he towers over my mother. He has a lean body, but you can tell that he has muscles.  I can just make out his hazel eyes that stare at me and his identical nose and eyebrows.

I stare dumbfounded at the picture. Has my mother kept this hidden all this time? Is the man in the picture my father?

" Is he-"

"Yeah." She laughs lightly. " but he's no longer in this world." She wipes away a tear. " You know after he died I began to doubt myself. Curse him for leaving me alone. Curse you for being born. I had no one on my side and it seemed like everything bad was coming my way." She exhales deeply.

I try to absorb everything she's saying, but my mind can't wrap around it. " I used to think I could do anything. But, now look at me. I'm living here in this dump, working at a job that barely gets us by. I take my anger out on you. I'm not fit to be your parent."

I don't notice I'm crying until my mother grabs a tissue from her desk and wipes my tears. " I didn't realize how cruel I was acting till your friend caught me. I was being so harsh on you." She sighs. " Will you forgive me? I'll do better."

Forgive? Isn't this what I always wanted. To see my mother wanting to change and be there for me? I wished this would happen for so long, but now that it's here. I don't know. It just doesn't seem right.

I stare a her broken state and can't help, but want to put everything behind us. Maybe this could be a fresh start. I push my doubts into the back of my mind. " Okay."

She looks me in the eyes, almost in shock that I agreed to it. She reaches out to hug me, but I slowly push away. The feeling of my mother hugging me is foreign and uncomfortable. She notices and wipes her tears away and gets off the bed. " Do you want some lunch. I'll go make some lunch."

She exits the room in a hurry and I can hear her fumbling around in the kitchen.

It's like I'm in a parallel universe. I get up from my bed and head towards my room. I should probably let Seth know I'm not dead. I turn my phone on and search his name. Which isn't so hard when I only have two numbers in my phone.

Hey, seth. Everything went well. Actually better than well, it was great. My mother is actual in the kitchen making me lunch.

Send.

I'm barely waiting for 5 seconds before he responds.

Lunch? What happened? Why is she being so nice?

I relay all the details to him, making sure to include the part where my mom cried. I thought I'd never see my mother cry. Heck, I thought her tear ducts had dried out. She proved me wrong.

My phone vibrates and I'm about to open the message when the doorbell rings. I roll my eyes and head towards the door. Who could be here. No one ever visits us.

"Don't open the door! Don't open the door!" My mother rushes past me, quickly opening the door and shutting it closed behind her. I could just make out that it was a man outside before it completely closes.

I press my ear against the door and listen into there hushed conversation.

" I told you not to come here anymore." My mother says frantically.

" I can't do that. I know your lying about what you said yesterday." The man answers.

" I didn't lie. She's died. She got really sick and couldn't recover." My mother reassures.

Who are they talking about? Who died? Why does my mother sound so...scared. like she doesn't want him to figure something out?

" Where's my daughter?" He yells.

"I already-"

" You know what." I barely register what's happening when the door flies open in my face.

I jump back and end up tripping over the shoe rack by the front door; landing on my butt.

"Isabelle?"

I look up to see the man that was in the photograph except he gained a little weight and has grown a few grey hairs. All I can do is nod my head. It's like bringing a ghost back to life.

"Dad?" He falls down to his knees and hugs me, like his life depended on it. " I thought I'd never see you again."

My arms hang on my sides as he continues to hug me. My brain can't even process the information. Everything is happening to fast. I rip his arms away from me and stand up abruptly causing him to frown.

" I-I can't deal with this." I push past my mother and apparently my father and run out the house, down the stairs, out of my neighborhood and down the sidewalk. I don't stop running till I reach a shopping center.  I bend over and put my hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. I notice that I still have my phone in my hand and dial Seth's number.

I get his voicemail. By the third try I'm already in tears. I give up and try to call Gabby. She picks up on the first ring. 

"Hello, Isabelle. I was wondering if you were ever going to call me. You know we still have to make plans for our date. Which by the way -"

" Gabby, listen to me. I-I need you to come pick me up. " I babble.

"Why, is everything okay?"

"No."