She

Step one of the Journey

The fresh powdered snow reminded her of her life thus far. It started untouched, preserved in innocence but slowly people came to walk and play in it, some footprints intertwining with her own, some crossing her tracks and then eventually leaving, or leaving without a second glance and without thought of the impression they had left. Others stay, engage, and even enjoy the moments spent in the cold but they eventually leave too.

Her life of almost twenty-one years had been a haze, she felt that she should change and like the snow after a blizzard should start a fresh, with a new outlook and new appearances as her slate was wiped clean. She was desperate to make the changes necessary but terrified that she could never be who she wanted to be and was daunted by the challenge she had set herself.

She was in an environment of physical and emotional security, her sanctuary, her home and yet she felt at odds with the world. Her perception of the world around her felt different to those who were experiencing it with her. She did not want to ask for help, she interpreted it as failure. She did not want to include her family and friends; however close they were as she thought it was easier to make the changes without reference to others who had an existing opinion of her. She had made her path in life, in certain direction but no idea what she genuinely wanted to do. Was she just passively going along with what she was expected to do or was she actually doing what she wanted?

All her life, she had deferred to others when making life changing choices and she had no idea what she was doing. She felt like a fraud. Whilst growing up she was encouraged to have her own opinion, but she learnt to absorb the opinions of those around her and passes them off as her own, without giving them much thought. She felt like she had never truly applied herself as she was terrified of failing so she had distracted herself with the dreams of the future, when she had a family of her own, a home of her own. These dreams had been quite detailed the home had been planned to a T, the colour schemes, the number of rooms, the kitchen even the interior decoration and the appliances had been though of. She dreamed of her love life and how that were to be managed, coming up with responses to any and all situations that could arise, how she would deal with petty arguments, breakups, proposals, weddings and even the divorce. She had spent so much of her time growing up dreaming and planning her future that she failed to live the life that would enable her to have even a whiff of the dream that she had imagined.

She had missed possible friendships, opportunities all in the fear of making a fool of herself without realising that the mistakes made in youth made you a more well-rounded person. She avoided everything that she did not know, or that she hadn't experienced due to the comfort blanket that she had created that she now felt was suffocating her. She could convince herself of anything, and that her reasons for not doing something were reasonable and well founded, only years later once she had realised the opportunity of falling in love with her best friend would have been a great adventure and something great did she realise how wrong she was. She expected the story book and the movie portrayal teenage romance and failed to realise that someone wanted her. The reasons she made for not entering the relationship were that she didn't want to lose his friendship as she had lost platonic friendships before, only now does she realise the bullshit she put both her and her best friend through. She has lost the friendship now, they've both grown up and moved to different places. He is her biggest regret. If she could relive her teens she would. She thinks she wouldn't make the same mistakes again, if she had the chance.

She is a hopeless romantic terrified of falling in love because it gives the other person the power to break her completely. She had her first kiss at 18. She was drunk and she does not know the strangers name. It was the only way it could have happened as she was and is too uptight. She had never had a meaningful kiss. She has never had a fling or relationship. The same applies to her sex life, or the lack of one. Her need to be the best first time also impacts this aspect of her life, which is why she hasn't had a first time. Now she is terrified that she will die a virgin unless she changes her outlook and approach to life. She loves alone, terrified of letting even her friends in, the person that she now thinks she loves will never be the wiser unless she changes.

The lockdown provides her with the opportunity to change herself into a woman, with a new appearance and a new mindset so that she can take life by the balls and live her best life and be the "leading lady in her own life."

- "She"