Twenty Two years young

chapter 1- the begining of the end

I find myself wondering sometimes what the fuck went wrong with my life that made everything go to hell.  What drove me to this moment.

So here I am, sat at the ripe old age of 22 with no friends, no life and a shitty apartment that I can barely even afford despite its dripping ceiling, cracked walls and the ever expanding black mold in the corner. In front of me lay on the table the gun that i would soon use to end my life and ultimately end the suffering that i had come to face over the period of my life self inflicted or not, nothing was going to stop me in this moment as i was resolute in my actions, that was not going to change.

 I don't think there was a specific point in time where the decline began. All I know is that the year I turned 18 nothing was the same again. 

January 18th 2017 

2017, the year of donald trump's reign of tyranny and the manchester arena attack or as i knew it the year that my adult life would finally begin or what i'd soon come to know as the year my life fell apart.

The year started of like any other with the typical new years parties and the resolutions that no one sticks to along with the incessant need for people to tell you happy new year well into january, despite the fact that you have no intention of ever speaking to these utter strangers at any other time of the year. And then to the depressing realisation that you now have to start a whole new year and do the same old thing over again. 

So there I was sitting there in my comfy bed newly 18 wrapped in the covers trying to deny the stark reality that would surely hit me in the next few minutes forcing me out of bed and out the door to face the word that I so didn't want to be in. traipsing through my house i grabbed all the things that i would need for the day placing them in my now tatty white backpack that had traversed my life along with me. It was stupid but i loved the thing, despite its many rips that had been repaired and the countless unknown stains that scattered it white surface that had no intention of ever coming out; it was still one of my most prised possessions. Slipping on my shoes and grabbing my jacket as I walked out of the house looking back to check all the lights were off, not knowing that this would be the last time that I ever looked at that house the same way again.  

And so I walked to the end of the road, climbed into the bus and went on my way going to the dingy building that was my school. Lessons were monotonous and dull the same thing over and over and i was happy with that they were a constant in my whirlwind life and i liked that. But it was the 3rd period when the dreaded noise rang the noise that i would forever associate with the herald of death.

“Ms smith, please make your way to the heads office there is someone that needs to speak to you” not knowing weather i was in trouble or not i slowly collected my things and dragged my feet through the damp and dirty halls into the office of the head teacher of this god forsaken place. 

It took only 4 words to tear my life apart as I looked in front of me to see a police officer standing before me with his hat in his hands. “There's been an accident” it was those words that ended my life as i knew it and it was those three words that made me go numb. I don't remember what was said after words only that my parents and little brother who had been at home sick, were now gone and never coming back and the monster who had done it had disappeared into the big wide world that I would come to hate more than anything in my life. 

And so as I was escorted home I looked at the desolate building that only this morning I had felt fondness for with cold eyes and a cold heart. This was now the house that would haunt my dreams and the very place that my hatred for all my surroundings would stem for the next 4 years of my life.