𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐛 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐁𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐭𝐬 [18+]

7 · strawberry soaps

Holding my breath, I grabbed my phone before entering the bathroom and locking it and twisting it again to make sure I was safe.

I should be dreading with guilt, body shaking in anticipation as I entered the card number. My heart beats were steady and my instinctual fingers didn't falter, since I was used to it, and it'd become a normal thing. And I was unsure of which scared me even more- my loss of honesty or the content which filled the pit of my stomach.

In a split second, gone was a few thousand dollars of his hard work. I hated myself more for being a shitty girlfriend, but there weren't many options left for me to solve the mess I'd created long ago.

Sara: I've sent you. please don't bug me for more until' december. I don't have much left to give.

I pressed send and waited for L's response. It was half a lie about the money. Daniel had more, but it was sooner or later before he noticed my strange behavior and the mystery of his money disappearing once a month. I wouldn't have the strength to tell him the truth. And I didn't think I'd ever be.

L: that's a good girl. i'm proud of you. no promises becuz you know he spends too much. but anyway good night.

I knew she'd use him against me like she always had. She knew he was my weakness, the only endearing one left in my hollow life. It was hard to believe he'd spend this much, but I knew this was all L's idea to ask for money as if the allowance was only going to be used for his expenses. I was sure she mooched more than half the amount for her own good though I had no courage to confront her about that.

I slid myself under the duvet, forcing my eyes to rest, but my head was spinning with guilt and shame, my heart pounding loud in my ears, because I wasn't certain whether or not I could keep this secret any longer.

***

"Hey, you look so drained. Are you okay?" My co-worker, Madison, looked up from her paperwork, concern drawn on her face.

"I think so," I replied, downing the last drop of coffee from the second paper cup.

The bitter taste of caffeine on my tongue helped me stay alert and not fall asleep, but I was still wondering if he was okay, if he was happy, if L wasn't lying. It was hard to read L. Her voice, her texts, her personality hid things well that I couldn't see it coming when she was close to ruining my life. I also wondered if she was doing the same thing to him. And that made me so anxious.

"Why don't you take a break? I'll help you edit your photo later if you're still in the mood. How does it sound?" she said.

Madison already had an article to finish. The last thing she should do was look out for me. A break didn't sound so fancy as before. If I went to the empty, tiny break room, my train of thoughts would split my head in half. So, I'd rather keep my head focused and pretend my life was normal.

"No, I'm really fine. I just had trouble falling asleep last night."

I put my best smile on, but it didn't seem to make her believe I was okay, maybe, the strain in my raspy voice suggested otherwise.

"Does that happen often?"

"Ugh, nope." I shook my head dismissively.

It only happened when I had to lie to Daniel, knowing I'd promised to be honest from the moment we started dating four years ago. I'd become someone I'd always hated to be; a liar, a manipulator, and the worst girlfriend possible. This version of myself disgusted and sickened me so much.

My head kept spinning and a nauseous lump clogged my throat with my fingers clammy againt the keyboard. I stood up abruptly, excusing myself to the washroom.

I sat on the toilet for a good ten minutes in misery. I couldn't throw up, nor could my tears fall down. I felt stuck and out of breath.

Returning from the washroom, I leaned in my seat, inhaling and exhaling, in hope of reducing the stupid migraine. Luck wasn't on my side as I heard Layla question why I looked pale like a ghost. I closed my eyes, ignoring everyone's question including Madison's. Then, when I felt a tad bit better, I chugged down some water, sitting straight.

Ignoring Layla's glare, I averted my attention back to the screen,
"Mad, can you help me with the font? I can't seem to focus."

Madison nodded, telling me she'd look into it after she's done with her work.

Chole was awfully quiet today, eyeing me as if she'd never known anxiety in her entire life. But I was thankful since her usual perfume didn't bother my nostrils that day, either because I was sick in the stomach to detect a thing or because she'd run out of it.

My phone vibrated in my lap, and I looked down.

Monica: can you come over this evening? we have to discuss the schedule and talk about what we're gonna read next.

Good, just what I needed.

Away from these boring office walls and my lonely house, going to the book club was a distraction I'd gladly take even if it meant seeing Dominic again and jeopardizing my panties once again.

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i changed the book cover and the title of the book so it's hotter and cooler. i hope you've enjoyed this update & next update is coming in a few days. aesthetic moodboard will be changed too <3 anyway take care, y'all