good things fall apart • sirius black

Gone

He was still unbelievably angry, there was no denying that, but it wasn't fury coursing through him now. It was an unfamiliar feeling, one that had kept him awake all night tossing and turning. A dull ache somewhere that wouldn't go away no mattered what he did. He'd shut his eyes tight, and it'd hurt more; he'd stood under the steaming hot shower, and not even the boiling water could sting more; he'd starved himself at breakfast, and the tightness in his chest was still worse than his hungry stomach. There was no name that he knew of for this feeling, never having felt it before, but it burned and it stabbed and consumed every inch of his body, making it somewhat difficult to breathe.

She picked Regulus.     

Perhaps the feeling was some form of grief, but if Sirius had to guess, he'd say it was abandonment.

Selfishly, he'd let himself believe she'd always pick him. Every time he'd worried about her leaving, about her going off with his brother, she'd always returned and reminded him some way that she preferred him. Or at least that was how Sirius had seen the situation. This time had felt different though. He'd given her an ultimatum, he knew that, but even then, he'd expected her to stay. Sirius had expected her to sacrifice her relationship with his brother to be with him instead.

But she picked Regulus.

And now everything hurt. He pretended it didn't, he pretended it was just lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion, but deep down he knew.

Sirius' soul ached for her. For its other half that always made him feel wanted and valued; for its other half that understood him, the real him, and enjoyed everything that he did too. It was almost as if she'd taken half of him with her. As if by choosing someone else, she'd torn away everything he knew about himself and left him lost.

Lost and lonely.

There was James, and there was Remus and Peter, but never had Sirius felt so alone. It almost matched that of when he was trapped in the prison that was 12 Grimmauld Place, but instead the thing that kept him in shackles this time was his own mind. Not even twenty-four hours had passed since she'd picked Regulus, but already Sirius felt himself spiralling, and this time she wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces. She wouldn't be there to tell him that he was deserving and so full of light. Instead, she'd be off somewhere with his brother, probably smiling that perfect smile at him whilst he made those big sea green eyes sparkle the way only Sirius used to be able to.

The thought made him completely queasy, and for a moment, he was sure he was actually going to be sick.

"She just never came in last night." Lily answered James' question with an expression that was matching the messy haired boy's - one of increasing worry, "There's nowhere else for her to sleep, it's not like Flitch or the Prefects would let someone sleep in the corridors."

"And where is she now?"

The pair were trying to figure out the puzzle between themselves, and Sirius didn't want to voice his thoughts of her potentially having spent the night in Regulus' dorm now that they were so cosy. Even he wasn't angry enough to make those kinds of comments about the beautiful girl.

"McKinnon?" Sirius suggested half-heartedly.

He didn't particularly want to come across like he was starting to worry too, but he couldn't help but let a panic bubble in his chest. There really wasn't anywhere else for her to go apart from the dorms, and if she wasn't there, something must've happened.

"Marlene would've said this morning."

"The Hospital Wing?" James suggested, becoming increasingly restless, itching to leave the classroom and begin a hunt, "The Slytherins might have seen her and Regulus, done something..."