the Fate Of an Unpredictable Romance (Frerard&Ryden)

Chapter 2 - Second chance

Ryan's pov:

Put another x on the calendar, Summer's on its deathbed, my mind tries to tell me but I won't listen - I don't wanna study right now. Actually, I don't wanna study for the rest of my pathetic life.

But there's no way I can avoid the exams which are coming up. I have to
compensate my failed courses of the last schoolyear. This is basically my second and last chance to achieve a good graduation.

I should probably mention that I'm really nervous about tests in general and I have problems to focus on the subject I try to study.
My boyfriend Brendon talked me into taking those second chance exams (that's what I like to call them) and in reverse he offered me to be my helping hand during these hard times of mine.

To be honest, I can't even imagine to fail those assessments - my future would be dead!
I dream of a perfect art career with Bren, so there's nothing I can do except studying.

Almost every relative tells you to keep chasing your dreams but in reality it's only chasing good grades. I hate school.
I really fucking hate it.

My breathing hitches. I need to calm myself down so I can think clear again.

Just the thought about my future gets me anxious, and I feel helpless and so stupid about this.
But I know that I'll mess everything up.
I just know it deep inside me.
Fuck, what will happen when I'll fail those exams? I need to do something,
I can't sit in this shitty hard chair anymore, I just gotta go outside and do something, just need to think straight again.

My phone rings. It takes a while to find it on my messy desk, but I eventually unlock the screen and accept the call.

"Ry, how is it going?" I'm so glad to hear Brendon's voice.
"Actually, I didn't even start to study yet."
I sound so weak, so damn weak.
"I just, I mean, I'll try again or-"
"Give me 20 minutes. The key is still in its place?"
It's okay to be weak, it's Bren.
"Yeah, it is. I'll be waiting for ya."

He hangs up. Even though I'm a bit relieved because he called, there's still this feeling of pressure.
And I absolutely can't handle pressure.

The next thing I know is how my body slightly begins to shake - oh god, not now.
My heartrate rises and it seems like everything around me is blacking out.

If there's one thing I know about myself, it's that my breakdowns have a structure - the upcoming part of a typical breakdown would be how the walls are closing in and catching up.

I haven't quite figured out how to block these nervous breakdowns yet but I don't want Bren to see me vulnerable like this.

It feels like all the blood rushes to my head while my heart is pounding too fast. I try to concentrate on breathing.
Just breath Ry, it's not that hard.
The walls keep coming closer, all I see is white.
Maybe I should drink something.
And then Bren will be there and everything will be alright.
No it won't.
I should stop telling myself this lie.
I will ruin everything, the question is not if, but when and how.
I'm a mess.

As I stand up, it feels like I'm falling.
I'm falling into the endless white that fills the room, ceiling to the floor.
I stumble, out of my room, towards the bathroom door, manage to open it and then I lean against the cold, even tiles.
I sit there and everything blurs, until all I can see is white, and white, and then some grey points in the whole white.
They look like stars.
Little black stars in the white firmament, pretty odd but I can't look away.
I sit and stare and gasp for air and feel how my body shakes.

After a while, I close my tired eyes.
Exactly three seconds later, I open them again.
My heart skips a beat. My breathing,
that had startet to become more steady,
gets completely chaotic again.
Someone is knocking at the front door.
Could it be dad? Usually he's at the bar until seven.
I hear a male voice.
"Ryro? Mr.Ross?"
Brendon. I should go and let him in, but I'm not able to stand up.
Everything will be okay, he knows where the key is located.
But he'll see me like this.
He'll worry about me.
We've been together for so long, and he knows me better than anybody else.
I don't want him to worry about me.
No, I don't. I could just wait in here till it's over.
I could say that I'm taking a shower or something. He doesn't need to see me like this, I won't be the one who makes him sad.