Chasing the Satanists

Chapter one: The One-Sided Love

She is so sweet but yet she is deadly to me. I love her but I can't stand to see her face. Why are all these feelings so mixed? I know she doesn't love me as I love her, she told me, but yet I keep longing for a day that will never come, the day when she says she loves me. I plan for that day. What will I say? I'm bad with words, I never know what to say so how would I ever be able to say something that could change my life? It's too much pressure to put on a shy anxious little 13-year-old. She called me last night and I lied to her. I feel terrible. I told her I loved another girl to try and convince her subconsciously that she loved me. I hate myself for that, but I can't just say I was lying. It's more complicated than that, what if she figures out I was trying to convince her to love me? It's too late to say I was joking. What if she doesn't know how much I care about her anymore. I've never felt this way about someone. I would die for her, my life is worthless as hers is priceless.

"Melanie! Are you even listening to me!"

I glanced up from my cheesy omelet, surprised at how stern she sounded.

"Yes mom... I was just thinking about something"

"Well, you need to finish eating instead of thinking! Save all that brain power for school tomorrow!"

"I'm not hungry though..."

"Melanie you need to eat. You haven't been eating lately... and i'm just... worried about you."

"No... I promise... I have been eating...I just been having big lunches lately..."

"Alright then..., well if you aren't going to eat then go upstairs and make sure you're ready for school."

"Ok. Goodnight mom, love you."

"Hey Cass you can be on your phone for a bit but just make sure you go to bed at a reasonable time."

"Alright dad, goodnight."

Huh. Melanie texted me... it's always awkward now that she told me she liked me. I... don't like her back but... she's my friend. How could I try to avoid her? Ew, look at that nasty cut on my wrist, so straight but slightly curved, like someone cut it but tried to make it look natural. Well, they didn't do very well because 7 more of these almost identical cuts are strained up my arm all the way up to my shoulder. That's all people ever ask about now, I can't really explain it so I just wear long sleeves now. Melanie asked if I could call her... I can but I don't want to, I feel bad but I just can't. It's too awkward, I am lesbian but... shes just not my type. Don't get me wrong she is a great friend... just not a girlfriend.

I texted Cass but, no response. It's ok though, I'll just try to call Sage or Nessi.

No response from them either. Guess I'm alone like I always feel... I have so much school work tomorrow... I should be working on that, but how can I work when there's nothing in my life that could keep me going. I'm all out of fuel and there are no gas stations to be found. I'm drained out. It's hard to keep going sometimes. I wish I could time travel back to the days when I was young and didn't constantly overthink my whole life and every mistake I made. No homework, no stress, no sexuality crisis, no terrible teacher, and no sad thoughts whatsoever. That is the life I want to go back to living, but in the life, I live in today it seems the only real feeling is pain and sadness.