boys i have trusted

zounds!

i remember sitting with your head on my lap.
i laughed against your chest and you put your hand (pretty hands) in my hair and asked me what was so funny.

big burgundy eyes and curly lashes. you had a red spot on your forehead that got darker when you laughed and made your olive skin look patchy.
thin wrists with rubber bands around them (for when your inky hair got in your face).
you let me use them, too, when i forgot my own.
you must have thought i was pretty forgetful.

grazing my cheek with your thumb after class.
i got nervous and pulled away;
you said i had an eyelash.
resting one of your hands (pretty hands) on my thigh in the dark. you must have been saying something.
i don't remember.

you bought me a milkshake and called me beautiful.
then you asked me to pay you back a moment later, said something else to someone else that made beautiful feel like nothing.

you'd put your hands (pretty hands) on my shoulders and told me you would visit me after you left for college. i didn't believe you.

i should have.
it was fall and you were high out of your mind and wearing this stupid leather jacket i'd never seen before.
you jumped up like a toddler when you saw me and hugged me tight. your neck smelled like earth and shampoo.

i still think about you.

i know how your torso feels beneath my hands (hard and bony).
i was never myself around you.

i still think about you.

why is liking men SO EMBARRASSING