What They Don't Know

Why Did You Come Back?

There is an ache in my chest, where the hole once was. There is a smile on my face, and it is no longer a mask. The names that held my heart so tenderly, threw the pieces back in my face and shunned me when I begged for forgiveness.

Why did you come back? Why couldn't you just stay gone? Just leave, please. Everything is better without you.

 I picked up the pieces, dusted myself off; I will not be seen crying in the dirt at their feet. Grab the duct tape, grab my bag; I'm out the door, on my own two feet. Insincere calls of my name no longer reach my ears, it's not worth it.

S. K. M. D. M. V.

I cut my faces out of our old pictures. The rage is overpowered by grief and I cry, box cutter in my hands. Why did I go back if they didn't want me? Why could I not see it? The avoidance, the happiness in their eyes as I walked out the door with boxes. How was I so blind? I tried too hard, or at least I thought I tried. I didn't try hard enough.

One foot in front of the other, I climb the stairs. Unable to supress the smile growing on my lips when I hear his voice and the door open up. I jumped into his arms and blinked back tears. Six months and he still wants me. Six months without me here, he was so sick, I was rotting but here we are. I tilt my head and catch him by surprise, stealing a kiss out in the cold as his cigarette burns behind my back. I finally feel safe, loved, wanted, needed. I stare into his eyes and whisper my favorite words: I missed you. His smile makes my stomach fill with butterflies.

Now he holds me in his arms as I cry and tell him what happened. Forget them, they aren't worth it. He's right but it's hard to imagine five years of friendship ending with one question. Friends 'til the end - it doesn't matter anymore. Friends 'til the end no matter how many miles get put between us, ended on that night. Friends 'til the end no matter what, is a lie. I slash out their names on the pieces of my heart they threw away, and helping hands reached out to help me put it back together, holding the pieces in place as I wrap it in duct tape. Because duct tape fixes everything, including my heart.  

A. C. S. T. R. J. J. M. M. B. M. M. C. A. C. J.

My mask fell down and shattered on the snow covered ground before us. They look not at me, but into me; they see the real me, the one who's been hiding. Their promises to be there for me, and they have come through. Telling me the truth when I need to hear it, and promising to hurt people who hurt me. They are my family. They are the ones I can trust.

Finally I realize what it's like to feel apart of something. Now I know why they abandoned me, because it was finally time for me to move on, as they did so many years ago. I finally am happy without the need of magical happy pills. Now I have what I most desired, a future and being happy. Everything I could not get back there, I have here.

A. C. S. T. R. J. J. M. M. B. M. M. C. A. C. J.