tubbo angst

Chapter two

(A/N) istg if yall actually read this... i am going to go insane :| also everything in here is platonic don't get it wrong LOL

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i wake up again to the sound of my alarm. ugh, i hate getting up for school. i turn off the alarm and turn back over.

"not dealing with this shit today" i muttered to myself. i end up falling back asleep again.

***

*ding*

i check my phone.

TommyInnit: hey man, you weren't at school today. you alright?

i ignore it.

"he doesn't really care about you" i hear a voice whisper in my ear. "nobody does."

"i know..." i whisper quietly. i stare at the razor blade next to my phone on the nightstand. i know i promised myself i wouldn't do it again but... i reached over and grabbed it in my soft hand, feeling the cool metal touch my warm skin. i roll up my sleeve and i stare at the previous marks i had made the night before. i sigh and dig the sharp edge into my skin. i feel the pain shoot through my arm. i gasp as the blood pours out. "oh god oh god did i cut too deep?" i panic quietly in my room, staring at the bleeding gash in my pale skin. "ah fuck..." i run to my bathroom and took a black towel and pressed it against my wound, attempting to stop the crimson liquid from pouring out of my arm. my vision goes blurry from my tears. the anxiety welling up inside me was too much to handle. hyperventilating, i wrap the towel around my arm with whatever i could find to keep it to my skin. tears are rolling down my face as the voices get louder.

"you should be dead" "let yourself bleed out"

"die."

i start to cry harder. i hear my mom banging on the bathroom door. "tubbo? are you alright in there?" i pull myself together, "I'm alright mom! i just accidentally hit my head on my counter!" i say, trying to sound like i was okay. i hear her footsteps walk away.

"she doesn't really care about you"

i could almost hear the smile in the disconnected voice. i sob, sinking down the wall.

*ding*

Tommyinnit: hello? tubbo, please answer me.

i stared at the message for what seemed like forever.

*ring*

i pick up. "h-hello?" i whispered quietly. "toby... are you okay? why have you been ignoring me?" i sit there quietly, sniffling every once in a while. "toby I'm here for you man... I'll listen if you need to talk..." "i-i... you don't really care, do you?" i heard him gasp. "TUBBO! don't say things like that! you know it's not true." we sat in silence for a few seconds. "why would you even think that i don't care..." i start sobbing again and i hang up the phone. i threw the phone to the soft carpet on my floor. i curl up on the floor.

"he hates you" "he'se only using you for fame" "he thinks you're a pussy for crying like that"

"die"

i take the towel off of my arm. i throw it in the sink and wrap my arm in a bandage. i hear my phone keep making noises. "h-huh...?" i check it and see 10 texts from tommy. most of it is stuff about caring about me. as if. i just ignore it. then wilbur calls me. i pick up. "hey tubbo. are you alright?" he quietly says. "I'm okay wil. please don't worry about me. I'm fine, i promise." i hear wilbur sigh on the other end. he doesn't believe me, i know it. "tubbo, please don't lie. i care so much about you. everyone does..." i sit there with my head in my hands. we're silent for a minute and i hang up.

"wilbur thinks you're pathetic" "die"

"die"

"DIE"

i sob, trying to ignore the voices swirling in my brain but i couldn't. i grab a bottle of tylenol from my medicine cabinet. i stare at it for a while. "is it worth it?"

"yes." "do it" i heard the sinister voices whisper to me about death. shaking, i grab a bottle of water from my floor. i consider my options. am i overexaggerating? i try to calm myself down. i'm still panicked but i decided against suicide. i didn't want to hurt the people i cared so much about. "pussy" i hear it echo through my brain. i want it all to stop but i cant bring myself to end it. maybe i am a pussy. i put the tylenol back and go back to my room. i wasn't supposed to go out this late but i needed to go to our special place. mine and tommy's.

***

i walk through the small woods, into the clearing. i sit in the middle of the beautiful gold and blue flowers. i lay there, looking up at the stars. they're so shiny and beautiful. I've always wanted to be a star. i hear rustling in the trees near me but i pay it no mind. probably an animal. and then i hear a voice. "tubbo?" i look over to the voice, terrified. it's tommy. "i knew you would be here" he whispered sadly. he laid down next to me. he put his hand in mine, sobbing silently. "i'm sorry. i know what i did wrong..." we quietly laid next to each other, in silence

"no, i'm sorry." i say softly "i shouldn't have ignored you like i did" i squeeze his hand. i missed this. he was my best friend for so long and i almost lost it all over some stupid jokes. i doubt everything will be perfect after this but for now i have my best friend again. "lets go back to my house" i say back to him. we silently walked back home, but it was a comfortable silence. we climbed back into my window and we sat on my bed together. "hey i gotta go clean my bathroom I'll be right back tommy!" i walked in and cleaned up all the blood and hid the razor blade. i flush the bloody toilet paper and walk back into my room. we put on a movie and hang out until he had fallen asleep, but i couldn't sleep so i stared at my ceiling all night instead.

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another A/N!!

i will try to post every day but i am very much struggling mentally so i cant promise anything lol