Painfully Aware with So Much to Learn

Chapter Twenty-eight: So Cold

I, Shikamaru Nara am feeling useless. I was one of the first people told of one of the sanin, Jiraya's death, so I get to be present when Naruto is told. It was dark in Tsunade's office, an odd frog council sat on the other side of the hokage desk from Sakura and myself. The silence was agonizing and I kept shifting his weight from one foot to the other, trying to think of how to support Naruto, how to treat his sadness.

'He'll probably be loud.' I couldn't help but think. 'I don't know what I'd do if he broke down sobbing on the floor, what if he yells? Will he break things? Will the nine tails take over? Will he leave?' My questions raced through my mind like a freight train, but everything came to a halt when there was a gentle creak.

In walked a silver haired man, his usual electrifying spiky hair was wilting a little with his emotions. He stood off next to Sakura and I saw Naruto walk in the door.

I could barely see it, but his grin felt a little more worn today, it made me want to close him in a hug, but I knew he still wasn't great with unexpected physical contact. "You wanted to see me, Baa-chan?" He asked, just a little too quiet and just a little too deep to give off the impression that he was in any sort of good mood.

"Naruto." Tsunade began, and my palms were already sweating and my mind filled with dread. "Jiraiya was put on an investigation mission in the rain village." She took in a shaky breath. "He was killed at the hands of the akatsuki leader." She said, staring down at her desk like it had offended her.

The air in the room turned ice cold and almost everyone turned their attention downward to avoid Naruto's reaction. The silence was back, twice as painful as before until the blonde slowly opened his mouth.

"..............eh?" His entire face was pale and his fingers were quivering ever so slightly.

"Naruto..." Kakashi tried reaching a hand out to comfort him, but at the sight if movement, Naruto whipped around to face his sensei, blue eyes desperate to see the joke, the lie. Kakashi retracted his hand and his eye fell back to the floor.

I winced, this is when the crying would start, crying and yelling, just like I did when Asuma died. The room turned hundreds of times colder but stayed silent. I finally dared to look but only saw cold.

Naruto's face was neutral, so unfittingly professional on his tanned features. "Did you sent Jiraiya-sensei on this mission, Hokage-sama?" He said, the question simple but the tone demanding. I had never seen Naruto like that, there was always a softness in his voice, a warmth in his presence, a joke in his words, a sparkle in his eyes. But there was none.

The last time I had seen him anywhere near that was when he failed the ninja exam and was sitting on that old wooden swing, but this was different. This wasn't a child being told he had to wait for a retest, this was anger. One untainted by the nine tails, one so cold it made the whole room shiver, and one that made me want to do everything in my power to see even a spark of warmth.

"Yes." The hokage said quietly, only for Naruto to nod and turn back to the door.

"If Pervy-sage was the hokage, he would have never let you do something so reckless." He said quietly, but he could have been bellowing it through the silent room, Sakura tried to protest but the blonde ignored her, leaving the room in complete silence.

It had been about a week since that day, and I've been hard at work trying to decode the late senin's last words. I didn't visit Naruto, what would I have said if I did? I still got shivers at the thought of the blizzard that was Naruto's anger.

The kind of anger that showed how early it was ingrained that crying did nothing, that yelling was useless. I had heard Iruka had somewhat comforted Naruto, which was more than I could ever do. I felt so useless, Naruto helped me with Asuma's passing, but I couldn't do the same.

I slammed my pen down in frustration, nothing made sense! The code was nonsense and I knew the code must have had a significance, and I knew that I had to do what I had been dreading. As if on queue, Shiho spoke up.

"This is nonsense, you know someone close to the subject, don't you? Can't you bring him here for questioning?" She asked, pushing some of her frazzled blonde hair away from her thick glasses.

I sighed and with a mutter of 'troublesome' I was on my way.

I walked there, giving myself time to figure out what to say, once I reached the door to the shitty complex he lived in, I gave a tired sigh. I bave to do this, I can't just leave him to stew like I-' I paused, thinking back to that night I was left alone until-

My eyes widened. 'He wouldn't have...' I knocked on the door, silence. 'He wouldn't have just...' I knocked a little harder, there was only silence. 'He couldn't have...' "Naruto?!" I felt my chest contort in six different ways. I pounded on the door, hoping he was just sleeping in. I tried sensing him, closing my eyes and focusing, but my blood ran cold when I didn't feel him at all. I kicked the door as hard as I could, breaking the knob on the door and forcing my way in.

"Naruto?!" I called, looking around the house. The place was tiny, plants in ramen cups filled the window sills but the rest of the house was cold. I opened the nearest door only to be met with an empty bedroom also, the bed was old and ratty, with nothing on it but a thin sheet even in the middle of winter. I went to the next door, opening it to find a small bathroom with tiny marks on the walls next to dates, I made a small note that the marks dated back to when he was three before moving on.

I left the building, wracking my brain to figure out where he would go. Then it hit me, and I dashed as fast as I could to the forest of death.

I was at the gate in minutes after realizing I could use shadow teleportation, and quickly hopped the fence. I dashed through the forest, knowing I couldn't teleport to an indefinite location, and saw the clearing 13 minutes later.

In the middle of the clearing, Naruto sat, and all the tension left me so fast I almost fell over. His demeanor was different than I expected, he was sitting on his knees with an air of calm around him. His tiny ponytail was gone, leaving his hair almost to his shoulders and over his usual turtleneck he was wearing a vibrant orange and black jacket that reminded me of what he wore when we were 13. He was gently petting Hikari, but other than that was completely still and silent.

The silence was broken when Naruto glanced at me. "Sorry, I had to step out for a bit." He said quietly, still focused on petting Hikari. Suddenly everything else just didn't matter as much, so I walked over to the blonde and sat down next to him, instantly being jumped by a Kage lying in wait. I gently scratched her ear for a while until I felt an all-too-familiar weight on my shoulder. I rested my head in blonde fluff and completely relaxed, he was going to be okay.