i need to vent

jan 6th 2021

i may be a week late to this new year's resolution, but i guess now is better than never. 

i am in a weird state of mind right now. i am not feeling the most motivated to do anything. unless its watching netflix, youtube, or tiktok, i don't really wanna do it. i downloaded a habit tracker onto my phone to see if i can better myself. even though i programmed all the things i want to like drink plenty of water and read everyday, i still haven't done any of it yet. this is kinda my first attempt at starting any of these. my phone gives me notifications to make sure i am doing these things. i am trying and that's really all i can do. 

this year i want to try to stop being so hard on myself. for instance, i made it onto the dean's list my first semester of college and i am still not proud of my gpa. i know i should be proud, i worked hard for a 3.9 but there will always be a voice in the back of my head telling me its never good enough. if something will never be good enough, then why do i still strive for perfection. 

i go back to the dorms in two weeks exactly. I'm excited to see friends, but i am also not. i often feel like i am forgotten about in my friend group. once they literally made plans to go out somewhere and didn't invite me when i was right in front of them. some may say i need better friends. but i don't want to risk dropping this friend group and then not finding any others. i am the friend who always takes the pictures, but never in the pictures. there was a trend on Instagram to post a lot of good memories from 2020. i was tagged but i wasn't in the photos. sometimes i feel like i don't matter to them. like i am an accessory. they are good sometimes. they check up on me sometimes. i'd rather have somewhat good friends than no friends. 

i'm thinking about buying a scale. i'm thinking about exercising and dieting. its all i can think about. i really don't want to get deep into that one. maybe when i am feeling better about these problems I'll make a section about it. 

hopefully writing my thoughts will help me get rid of them. hopefully, this doesn't make me dwell on these thoughts and create worst problems. 

- ♡